Portswood’s Nightclub Clientele: Part 1

Here at The Tab we notice things and this time we bring to you our take on a standard Sobar Tuesday or Jesters Monday’s regulars. We’ve listed who you’re most likely to find chundering on Jester’s dancefloor, working on their score card or heading home before 11. Find Part 2 here.

The depressive

Let’s get the worst one out the way first. They’re normally female and spend the entire evening from pre-drinks to pass-out whingeing about their ex and how from day one of uni “he was always going to fuck me around”. No one wants to hear boring moaning ALL night and the evening usually ends with an abusive phone call to the ex round the back of Sobar’s marquee. Do not underestimate this girl’s attention seeking tekkers and ability to control her tears like a tap.

The lightweight

2 triples later…

How many times have you walked past Clowns at 9pm and seen casualties already slumped against the bins or even fellow boozers leaving Sobar before 10? The lightweight, to be quite frank, is an embarrassment to the student image. It’s a wonder they make it past pre-drinks and if they manage that, expect to find them hunched in a corner of Jesters’ dancefloor revisiting that single Jesticle they had earlier.

The idiot that goes mental when a dubstep remix comes on

Everyone, yes EVERYONE, hates this guy. And if you don’t share our hatred for them then unfortunately you are the arsehole who throws their limbs around to crappy electronic ‘music’ too. Innocent bystanders don’t want to receive elbows to the face in time with the wob-wob-wob so take your ‘shapes’ to the bottom of the Solent. Thanks.

The whore

For when she’s out of dollah

Not to be confused with the lightweight, this girl will be leaving our watering holes early, however she isn’t alone. She wastes no time in choosing her mate for the night and skips the mandatory stop in Chick O Land for a taxi back to his. This girl doesn’t walk; maximum efficiency is needed to get her satisfied and then back into ‘Hobar’ for round 2. Unless you fancy catching a plethora of diseases, avoid at all measures.

The phantom

This person attends pre-drinks, the journey into Bevois Valley and is present throughout never-ending queues. But as soon as they step through the threshold of the Palace of Dreams they’re never to be seen again until the morning after. What this person gets up to on a night out will always remain a mystery.

Check out Part 2 for some more inhabitants of Portswood’s finest establishments.