Why we should BAN digestive biscuits from the SUSU Shop

I was literally the most depressed soul in Uni over the exam period. 3 exams, more work than I’ve ever done, and no going to Jesters. After one particularly hard day’s work I had a relapse, and did the one thing we all know should never be done: replacing dinner with a packet of chocolate digestives.

McVitie’s, the makers of digestives, have recently expanded their product range to the USA. As if they didn’t have enough problems with overweight people out there (According to the Weight-control Information Network, 68% of American citizens are obese). The biscuits have been described by the Washington Post as, “As British As Tea”. When I read this quote I truly realised the calamity this country has got itself into.

The name “digestive” was originally derived from a belief that the biscuits somehow improved our digestive systems, which is of course total bulls**t. And the company has benefited from this name ever since. I cannot recall a single time where anyone has had a bad thing to say about the product. It has become so ingrained in our cultural system that things are now just spiralling out of control.

My mate the other day said to me that “digestive culture is a subtler aspect of an eat-til-you-chunder culture, and people don’t appreciate that cumulatively it leads to a more obese and depressed society.”

If you see this man drop your digestives and RUN

Aside from the derogatory effect these biscuits are having on our health, biscuits are actually making the world a less safe place. One Father in America actually threatened his son with a meat cleaver because he accidentally burnt some biscuits. They weren’t digestives, but in some way I’m sure this point still applies.

I feel it’s very important to pick our battles wisely if we are ever to have a hope of creating real change, so attempting to ban the far more more-ish McVites Chocolate Hobnobs will have to wait for now. Combating obesity and depression is a marathon, not a sprint.

Now obviously I can’t be bothered to put a motion to Union Council because I have better things to do like passing my degree and plotting world domination, but this is a strong cultural stereotype and it seems that many of us have been ignorant of for too long. It’s time to rise up and take back our health, starting with getting SUSU to stop selling digestive biscuits. We’ll all be happier as a result. I would like to make an open request to SUSU: please can you sell humus instead. I love that stuff.