The things that make me feel better about being a useless w*nker

Not going to a lecture because I have so much “important” work to do for another module.

Not going to my 9 o’clock seminar on a Tuesday because I haven’t done the reading…If I go I will only be found out and couldn’t possibly learn ANYTHING.

Missing a 2 o’clock lecture because I need lunch and home is the only place where I can possibly find nourishment.

Library

Not going to the reserve section of the library because my shoes are too squeaky and I don’t want to distract the quiet clever people.

Leaving the library because I don’t want to disturb the person sitting nearest the plug socket by plugging in my laptop.

Leaving the library because I didn’t want to upset the lovely lady behind the desk who thought I was a 1^st year when I asked how to take a book out.

Nights out

A picture of another useless w*nker.

Taking my debit card out to Oceana just in case there is an “emergency”, (the term “emergency- a loose one)

Pre-drinking for Sobar just in case the bar has closed down or they’ve run out of “blue”.

Saying I’m not going out and at the last minute change my mind for the “good old days” or because my friends NEED me to.

The Opposite sex

Crucifying my mate for going round his girlfriend’s house. The abuse is then justified by sitting in my pants with my other friend talking about how shit having a girlfriend would be whilst playing FIFA, staying up too late and falling asleep on the sofa…by myself.

Participating in “every man for himself” an hour before a club ends, only to not pull and then label my friends as “desperate”.

Not having sex with girls as this was something I did in my reckless, promiscuous teenage years and I have more respect for myself now that I am at university.

My name’s Joe Hayes, I’m a third year, I study Politics and International Relations and I am a useless w*nker.

*All of the following statements are of course tongue in cheek lies and bare no reflection on the experiences I or any of my friends have had at University