Michelin Star Meals on a Budget: Secret Ingredients

We students love to moan about our financial situation, and for good reason. That loan which gets dumped into your bank account every few months makes you feel like the Monopoly man until you realise that most of it will just go towards soaking up a swollen overdraft. Anything left over is seemingly better spent upon drinks, Nestle snacks and for some bizarre reason known only to females, Ugg boots. Non essentials like heating bills, textbooks and proper, parent style square meals are far down the list of priorities- and rightly so. It doesn’t actually get that cold in England, S-town isn’t in Alaska so MAN UP. Textbooks? Google Scholar is free, you absolute mug. Food is sort of necessary though- but you shouldn’t go overboard. By using these ingredients you can trick yourself into thinking whatever you’re eating is actually haute cuisine…perhaps.

Tomato Puree: Buying jars of pasta sauce is for lazy, inadequate people who don’t know where milk comes from. Fry some meat (bacon probably) and some vegetables (yeah, I might be cheap but I’m not the one getting scurvy) and then liberally squib puree in. Tastes good and the washing up will be easy because it isn’t all runny like passata.

Chinese Five Spice: There’s five of ‘em, so at least one will compliment your meal. And as we all know, the basic rule as far as all cooking is concerned is quantity > quality. Excellent for stir fries- will mask the flavour of the cheapest meat and give your dish a great little punch. Pukka!

Monosodium Glutamate: This is the crack cocaine of the kitchen, and only recommended for the extremely desperate. Pick some up from a certain multicultural food store opposite the Co-op and sprinkle a little into whatever gruel you’ve managed to scrape together on your tight budget. It’s the stuff they put in Chinese takeaways, and it will make your taste buds think there’s some sort of food orgy going on in your mouth. The only problem is that (similarly to a real orgy) you will be gasping thirstily for the following couple of hours, and you may have just become addicted.

Mixed Herbs: They don’t taste of much, but it’s a good way to give the illusion to somebody that you actually know what you’re doing. Adding red wine to your food has a similar effect so keep some in stock. “Yah, I picked up this little trick when I had supper with Heston himself at The Fat Duck a few weeks ago.” Say it confidently whilst casually throwing the herbs in the direction of the cooker and your dinner party or date will go weak at the knees.

The Infamous 12p Curry Sauce: Only for the very brave or very foolhardy. DO NOT consume prior to excessive drinking. It actually isn’t that bad, but the sheer shame at eating something this cheap was too much even for your intrepid, tight-fisted reporter. Maybe wait until the end of term when the bank balance has gone well and truly crimson.

Happy cooking!