The Complete Generic Election Manifesto

What could be more nail-gnawing-inducingly exciting than the upcoming popularity circus that is the SUSU elections? The next few weeks will see student democracy being excercised in its purest, rawest form. As part of application all candidates are required to fill out the following form detailing their manifesto pledges, helping an apathetic electorate to make what is certainly the most critical decision of their student – or even entire – lives. Original ideas are discouraged because they could upset the status quo.

I, [INSERT NAME HERE] hereby solemnly swear to implement the following policies should I be elected into office:

– Restore Friday and Saturday nights at The Cube to their former greatness, even if it means paying people to be there.

– Encourage greater student participation with the aim of a 10% turnout at all elections and referenda. I want to give YOU a moderate, left of centre and politically correct voice so we can work together for a stronger Union.

– Peacefully oppose any suggestions of further raising university fees and ensure that the Bursar’s axe doesn’t come down on any other crucial subjects. RIP, Sports Studies.

– Work closely with the AU so Southampton continues to be a major player at the national level. A third of our budget will be spent on all important “banter” lessons to help us move up the rankings.

– Simplify the Union by introducing more bureaucracy so all students are represented fairly at every level.

– Make subtle jibes at inferior rivals Solent and Portsmouth as frequently as possible.

– Radicalise the successful food and drink trial in Hartley library by turning the whole building into a coffee shop/gastro pub. Highfield Campus is clearly a café desert, and increasing our caffeine intake is a real priority.

[CHOOSE ONE]

– Continue to pretend that Winchester Campus is just on the other side of Burgess Road.

Or

– Continue to pretend that Winchester Campus doesn’t exist.

Results will be determined by the amount of Facebook friends each candidate has, how frequently they appear in Jesters/Sobar and how attractive their campaign picture is. Voting begins on 28^th February. Remember, this is YOUR choice and YOUR future.