If you do any of these things then sorry but you’re one of Sheffield’s student Tories

On paper a Tory is simply a person of aged 18 or over who voted or plans to vote for the Conservative Party, but we know that being a Tory runs much deeper than that.

Forget wearing tweed and hunting pheasants, Tories are hiding in plain sight amongst the student population. You might be living with one, you may sit in lectures with one, maybe there is one reading this right now.

No matter your political views, it's important to be able to spot a Tory a mile off because you never quite know where the next one is hiding. This handy guide will make sure you know how to spot the budding Theresa Mays 'dancing' around your campus.

They buy branded food and drink like Aldi lemonade isn't 17p

Choco rice is just as nice.

Before anyone starts giving me the 'branded just tastes so much better' excuse we all know that, with that answer, you are indeed a closeted Tory. There is nothing wrong with some off brand instant noodles or some off brand cola vs. your Pepsi Max. You and me both know that, when you're scranning noodles and downing cola to nurse your Corp hungover, you don't actually care if it is branded.

I've actually just added up the cost of this photo in Sheffield supermarkets. In total it is £10.99 from Sainsbury's, but for the Aldi alternatives it is £4.38. It is absolute Tory behaviour to throw away £6.61 for no good reason.

"Let's just agree to disagree on this one, shall we?"

This is often heard escaping the mouth of any Tory, but especially a student Tory – as they are propping up the bar after ordering only their third Koppaberg and slurring their words, they will often ask you to 'agree to disagree'.

This is the Tory equivalent of telling you to shut up, either because they can't be arsed with your peasant, liberal views or because they know you are morally correct and they don't want to admit their selfish outlook on life. So no actually, Edward, let's not agree to disagree and let's keep talking about how you don't really see the problem with the student loans system because mummy and daddy can afford to send you to uni so why can't everyone else's parents do the same?

Privilege is as privilege does

To be fair, most Tories may not even know that they are privileged as they look at you with utter concern, dread filling their eyes as you inform them that if you hadn't taken up that part-time job then you literally wouldn't have been able to afford food and no you can't just ask your mum for some more money because she doesn't bloody have it.

If you listen very carefully on a really quiet night, sometimes you can hear a Tory explaining that they really would get a part-time job to fund their travels over the summer but it just doesn't fit in with their big Wednesday at Roar or Nation or their weekend trip home to Kent, so they are setting aside some of their 'weekly allowance' from home to save up instead. I'd almost forgotten having enough money to be able to create savings was a concept that existed.

They eat exclusively Tory foods like fresh salmon or Waitrose quinoa

Okay so maybe those foods are extremely niche examples, but my flatmate (love u) literally returns to uni from home every time holding a wrapped up piece of fresh salmon from the fishmongers. I am not saying that everyone who eats salmon is a Tory, but you really have to have a word with yourself when you could buy a fajita kit, chicken, onions and peppers from Aldi for the same price as your one piece of stinky fish.

They definitely own a few cookbooks

I am not talking about some ingenious cookbook for making meals on a budget. I am talking about a book that requires you to have ingredients like quark and fresh rosemary picked from your herb garden.

It should be noted as well that the classic Tory either cooks religiously from their cookbooks, never accepting anything else as the, truth or ignores them altogether but keeps them at uni for show. There is no in between.

Often they are only a Tory because of their parents

Coming to university might have originally meant a fresh start, away from your parents and your middle class hometown.

You spent Freshers' Week blowing all of your money on Smirnoff vodka and entry into the most exclusive (crap) nightclubs, you made friends with loads of nice left wing students who you didn't necessarily disagree with and you began to see the light at the end of the Tory tunnel…until you ran out of money in week two and had to call your dad for a top up.

Of course he agrees, with a gentle reminder that if you don't vote Conservative at the next election he'll stop paying for your branded trainers.

They willingly swapped their £200 pair of jeans for a tracksuit to try to 'fit in'

Whether they realised they were doing this to fit in or not, the classic student Tory will arrive at uni completely prepared for every eventuality. Barbour jacket tucked neatly under their arm, Hunter wellies on their feet with Prada sunglasses pushing their salon-dyed hair out of their eyes.

But worry not, because they will have retired those old garments to their under-the-bed storage and replaced them with Adidas tracksuit bottoms and a Fila top from Urban Outfitters. (Side note: Does anyone else remember when Fila clothes were really cheap and almost frowned upon to wear or did I dream that?)

The Tory will do this in a last-ditch attempt to try and appear working class, making it much easier to hide in plain sight to tell everyone how much they hate poor people.

They say things like 'my family have worked very hard to earn the money we have'

Elouise, hun, I don't doubt it but can you come down from your show-grade, pedigree high horse for one second and realise that we all work bloody hard and that it is probably your parents' inheritance that keeps you afloat.

There is nothing wrong with working hard for the money you earn but don't tell me your family worked harder than mine when my granddad up north almost lost everything after Maggie Thatcher shut down the mines whilst yours sat in London in front of the fire saying how she was such a 'powerful feminist leader'.

"I'll have a pink gin and lemonade please… keep the change"

Although letting the tired, overworked and underpaid person behind the Carver Street bar of your choice keep the change is a lovely gesture, I'm not sure that 30p is going to end poverty. The true Tory concept here is their drink choice.

Never one for just asking for the cheapest drink that will get them the most drunk, oh no, they spend a good 10 minutes perusing the selection of spirits available before trying to decide between a Bombay Sapphire or a Gordon's. Whilst you sit there with your pitcher of woo woo with added smuggled-in vodka and one straw, witnessing first hand how the other half live.

#DrinksWithMyHun #MessyNight

And finally… they won't have found this article funny one bit

You're sat there right now tutting, rolling your eyes and looking for the person that shared this on Facebook so you can educate them that it "really isn't as bad as it seems". The only thing I can say to that is, come on ya Tory, have a laugh.

I can only hope so babe xx

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