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No, disliking popular things does not make you cool and Nando’s is nice

It’s not just chicken and chips you know


In similar style to Martin Luther nailing his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of a church in 1517, commonly seen as the 16th Century equivalent of a tweet, Dan McGrath committed heresy of the highest order this week and criticised the highest church in the land, Nando's.

Although I am, as of yet, unsure which act will have wider implications for the future of humankind, I know for certain which has pissed me off more. Martin Luther, you get away with this one, because nobody slags off Nando's on my watch.

It's not Wetherspoons

Nando's, to my mind, has become the Mecca of pretty good food that's consistently good everywhere. Case in point: I like Wetherspoons, most people like Wetherspoons. In fact, I wouldn't hesitate to say that, sometimes, the overall experience there is better than at Nando's.

But, as is often the case with Spoons food, it's a lottery. Sometimes it's depressingly bad, with uncooked chips and poorly microwaved meals, and sometimes it is solid, tasty and enjoyable. But it's Spoons – it's an unwritten rule that you don't complain, just go somewhere nicer. If you complain in Spoons, you are a social anomaly.

Conversely, Nando's is so consistent, I've never felt the desire to complain, but, because it's not Spoons, if I ever did need to, I could. Simply because I didn't decide to go to the cheapest place possible, and therefore am classy enough to complain.

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Significantly nicer than Spoons.

It's Nicer Than Other Chain Restaurants…

Recently I went to Five Guys for the first time ever, where I shockingly paid 14 odd quid for large chips and a burger (my girlfriend bought the drink because I'm sneaky/cheap). Now I'm no mathematician, but I am fairly sure that is more than a Nando's for food that was greasier and worse, in a much worse setting, in Nottingham, where no poor soul should ever be forced to go.

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14 quid for this?? For why??

Contrast that to the Nando's I have been to in Nottingham, where, on a hot evening with the sun setting, I sat pissed up and hungry in the outdoor seating area in a lovely pedestrianised street, and ate the nicest drunk meal of my life.

Especially Pizza Express

But alas, you thought I was finished complaining about other chain restaurants. Well buckle in, because now we are going for the worst of the worst. Pizza fucking Express.

Don't get me wrong, I love pizza, in whatever shape or size it comes (but especially thicc). But Pizza Express pizzas are surely so unfilling they are not designed for human consumption. They are thinner than the shit single sheet of Aldi toilet paper that infests student bathrooms up and down the land, yet still less edible.

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This place over Pizza Express any day.

In fact, by comparison, I would argue that Nando's is 10 to 20 times nicer than any chain pizza restaurant, for a similar price, with a refillable drink, and cool music.

Doing It at Home is Effort

Let's face it, cooking is fucking effort. Now I live with Dan, the writer of the aforementioned blasphemous article, and for all his delusions of grandeur, I have never seen him cook a lamb shank, or indeed make a seafood risotto (maybe he did like once). Like me, he survives exclusively on freezer food and sandwiches, like the traditional sad boy student.

Yes, perhaps I could go out and cook it myself. I could even buy some of the wide array of Nando's branded cooking products available in most supermarkets, from the peri-peri salt to the sauces and marinades to spice up your life. Even the hallowed Perinaise is available for public consumption.

But no matter how hard you try, nothing will ever beat the feeling of having a stranger manhandle your food, then bring it to you on a plate you don't have to wash up. As a wise man once said, "Fuck your (homemade) chicken strips".

Market Research

Inspired by The Apprentice, I thought I would do what all real adults seem to do these days, some market research. Scout out the views of the general public to bring a more complete article to your newsfeeds. But I'm a student, I'm lazy, so I did what students do, I put it on Twitter.

Twitter says it's overrated, but Twitter also likes The 1975, so Twitter is often wrong. I will just say it's a reverse confirmation bias and really all my followers hate me. To me, that seems more likely than Nando's being bad.

So, in conclusion, Nando's is the most reliably good, fairly well priced, readily available restaurant chain around. As always, if you disagree, I couldn't give a fuck. Leave all hate in the comments.