All the ways you can console yourself now football isn’t coming home

Another four years of hurt

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Alas, football is not coming home. Football was in the club with its mates, and then all of a sudden it wasn't there, and then it reappeared – on the arm of a girl whomst football has pulled. They're going home together, it's not coming home with you.

England crashed out of the World Cup to a bunch of Croatian lads wearing hairbands who all have incredibly thin faces – I'm talking Matthew McConaughey major weight loss for a role kind of thin – in extra time of the semi finals, and thus dashed the hopes that football might come home for the first time in 52 years.

What will Gareth Southgate do now? What will we do now? Gareth Southgate, with his waistcoat and general demeanour of a former PE teacher who took the role of deputy headteacher at your school but still hankers to teach a bunch of kids a game of rounders now and again, can be proud. Gareth Southgate, the guy in the pub who pays for everyone's drinks when there's a card minimum and none of you have cash. Gareth Southgate, who hoovers his carpet regularly and not just when he's expecting a lady friend because nobody likes crumbs.

Well, here's a run down of everything you can do to console yourself now that football isn't coming home.

Watch women's football

You can feel Yer Da's gravy-based blood begin to boil. "Women's? Football?" he shudders, "how can bloody women play football?" He is getting increasingly irate, his face becoming redder and redder, gravy pressure rising. "How can they play football when they've got bloody breasts?" he says, cupping his own, sizeable man breasts. Yer Da is an idiot. Yer Da has just exploded in a fountain of gravy.

Watch slow motion replays of Harry Maguire headers

Imagine being headbutted by Harry Maguire. Imagine that. Your head would come clean off. Instant death. Your head would explode. It'd be like a sniper rifle. Over in a flash. One minute you have a head, the next Harry Maguire has exploded your skull in one swift nod. I'm personally against nuclear weapons – instead I am pro-Harry Maguire headbutts. Now that's a deterrent.

Get into club football

If you previously didn't like football prior to the World Cup and kind of just got into it because of the drinking and standing in the park aspect, club football can be just as exciting as watching national football, even if you do have to listen to Sean Dyche gargle his way through a press conference. Just cough, mate. Cough.


Obviously, drink responsibly. Obviously, Yer Da is drinking gravy from the jug. He's not taking it well, is he?

100% do not get into rugby

Did you enjoy Jordan Pickford mouth various incarnations of the word 'fuck' at incredibly blonde Swedish men? Did you think it was funny when all those small Brazilian boys cried when Brazil went out to Belgium? Did the sight of Neymar rolling around on the floor like he'd just been headbutted by Harry Maguire make your blood boil? Then rugby is not for you, because as rugby fans will tell you, it's a gentlemen's sport.


It is totally okay to reminisce. Yer Da has been reminiscing about the 1970s since the 1970s. One day we'll look back, we'll be telling our Grandkids, "I remember when England got to the semi-finals of the World Cup, long before your time". Your Grandkids will look up at you, they are called Harry and Kane, "Did we score any good goals from open play, Grandpa?" You'll take a drag of your vape, because that'll be the norm for the old of the future, "No, kids, we only scored headers and Harry Kane won the golden boot almost entirely from the penalty spot". Your grandkids' eyes will widen, "Wowwww, were we always such shithouses?" You'll begin to weep, "Yes, my loves, yes we were". [an orchestral cover of 'Three Lions' begins to play] [fade to black]

Play Football

There is a certain stigma around playing football in that everyone assumes you have to be good at football to play football. Take this from me personally – you do not have to be good at football to play football. Yeah, football is kind of about winning, but it's a great way to meet other people [shudders], keep fit [shudders], and meet up with friends in a way that doesn't involve drinking or enabling future drinking [shudders].

Featured image credit: @ChrisHolt on Twitter