How could VAR improve nights out?
‘And they are reviewing the bank’s decision to take £60 of contactless payments from their bank account’
Remember back in 2012 when London hosted the Olympic games and our athletes, our wonderful brilliant athletes, brought home Gold in a variety of sports? When Russell Brand was on a bus during the Closing Ceremony and Jessie J performed with Queen in what can be described as a collaboration no one was asking for? Forget that shit, because the World Cup is on and they have VAR.
Did you know that the World Cup is on? How can you not be aware that the World Cup is happening right now, there's a game on at this very minute, as I write this, what else could you possibly be doing with your time when Denmark are playing France? Football. Is. Coming. Home. Be ready.
VAR, or Video Assistant Referee for you losers who aren't watching the Goddamn World Cup and still think Jessie J and Brian May is a 'good collab', has revolutionised football this summer as teams can now review decisions that go for or against them if they believe the referee to be wrong, and as we all know referees are always wrong and thus we should abuse them for it, especially their eyesight – really hitting 'em where it hurts – their poor eyesight. "Should've gone to Specsavers, you wanker", you'll shout, putting pressure on their vision-based sensitivities.
But how could VAR change nights out? Well, I don't write for The Tab for nothing, so I'm here to hypothetically talk you through the ways VAR could change your night out.
1. VAR no longer stands for Video Assistant Referee, it now stands for Vodka and Red Bull.
2. Vodka Red Bulls are shit, this changes nothing.
Imagine you're out with your mates. You're in the taxi, you're dressed head to toe in exactly the same thing as your mates, the classic shirt/T-shirt combo, and one of your doppelgangers says "If you pay for the taxi, I'll buy you a drink inside". A fair deal? Yes. A realistic deal? Absolutely fucking not.
VAR will allow you to review these moments the morning after and confront these people, snakes. No longer will we have to make these pacts with our friends, the dystopia will be over. Rejoice.
Lost and Found
You are born, you live, you die – these are the facts of life, impossible to escape unless you are Javier Mascherano because I'm pretty sure he's being playing football the whole time I've been alive and will still be playing football when I die. I will probably die from the shock of finding out Javier Mascherano is still playing professional association football. Javier Mascherano is like The Big Bang Theory, he will never die and he will always exist no matter how many times you think to yourself "damn, is that still going?"
Anyway, losing something on a night out is another fact of life. Ever lost anything on a night out? Of course you have, you're a human being. Your phone? Gone. Your wallet? Gone. Your shoe? Gone, yet somehow you didn't notice straight away (???). VAR can help you find these things. It cannot, however, help you find your dignity. That is gone forever, lost in time with Javier Mascherano.
Your Mates Exaggerating Everything You Do
"Oh my God you were so drunk last night", they will say. You may use VAR to prove them wrong, but we all know they were right. You were so drunk last night.
Relive That Time You Met That Celebrity in That Club
People say you should never meet your idols, but not if your idol is someone from Geordie Shore or a children's TV duo from the early noughties or literally anyone from Love Island, because you better believe you're going to meet them in your local club when they stop off on their nationwide meet and greet. Your idols desperately want you to meet them, they want you to follow them on Instagram, add them on Snapchat, just please, make them famous.
You could use VAR to relive these moments that drunken photos just don't afford you. Bask in their boohooMan attire, the smell of ITV2 panel show appearances, the slow and silent death happening behind their eyes as they become known as "Chris from Love Island, you know, the one who had the bromance with Kem". Smile for the camera, because you are meeting your idol and without you they would be nothing.
We have all texted someone we shouldn't have when we are drunk, and unfortunately we have to live with that. VAR can't change that, this isn't Source Code with Jake Gyllenhaal, it can only allow you to relive the embarrassment of this:
"I didn't spend that much money last night, did I?"
The scenario is this – you wake up in the morning, you have a hangover the size of your student debt, their is pizza in the bed. Shame. Shame. Shame.
You check your bank balance, only to discover that you somehow spent £70, maybe more. But how? "Was it the round of shots I bought for everyone including the girls we bumped into in the smoking area who then mysteriously disappeared?" Or, "Was it the obscene amount of food I bought? No, I need those chips, onion rings, 'chicken' nuggets, and pizza". OR, "Was it the Uber I ordered despite the 3x price increase?"
You better believe it was all of those things, and you will find that out using VAR.