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It’s time to admit the Derby clubbing scene is the worst in the UK

Unless you unconditionally love Sean Paul

Derby is pretty much the epicentre of the United Kingdom. It is home to an arena which gets used for something exciting about once a year, the mighty Derby County, and has a whole range of local legends – the guy who walks backwards and Pigeon Boy to name just two.

From the unique way its residents are called "northerners" and "southerners" in equal measure despite being neither, to having two Wetherspoons right next to each other, there are many positive aspects of the place colloquially known as "Derbados".

However, the adjacent Spoons do come in useful when you realise just how bad the "nightclubs" are. Truth be told, you need to be absolutely off your face to even remotely enjoy a night out in Derby town, and here's why.

The clubs in Derby are very, very basic

The clubs of Derby might as well be sponsored by Fiat 500 and Strongbow Dark Fruit. Most regulars fall into two categories – younger locals, most of whom probably use the word "sesh" without a hint of irony, and older locals who are going out every weekend to cling on to their fading youth and forget the crushing weight of existential dread.

These people are happy to spend ridiculous amounts on entry (more on that later) and spend their night filming themselves singing into their phone camera for Snapchat. Jack Wills, spray tan and questionable haircuts are the order of the day. They keep Chinese takeaways in business, shed a tear when V Fest got cancelled, and get angry over poppies and chocolate eggs on social media.

You can't help bumping into EVERYONE you know on a night out

"You went to my sixth form!" a girl on her third vodka coke will shriek at you. "Alright mate! Not seen you in years!" someone else will say. Indeed, you won't have seen them in years. Probably for a good reason.

In Derby, everyone knows everyone, and its clubs are no exception. If you get drunk and embarrass yourself in the DE postcode area, rest assured nine of your sixth form mates, your brother's friend's sister and a mutual or ten from Twitter will all be there to witness it.

Walkabout Derby is not good at all but you can't stop yourself ending up there

Studies have shown whenever you attempt a night out in Derby there is an 82 per cent chance you will end up in Walkabout.

Do you absolutely love Sean Paul? Smoke machines which make it difficult to breathe? An average attempt at an Aussie aesthetic? Then you're in luck. Otherwise, "Walkies" – which, once more, will be full of everyone you have ever met – is best to be avoided.

Mosh isn't really much better

Rumour has it that someone once got kicked out of Derby Mosh for, er, moshing. On my last visit, they played at least three tunes by Taylor Swift. The rest of the time, you can expect a mix of the songs used in The Inbetweeners and all the emo tunes that made you cry when you were 14. The drinks are cheap, which is a good thing. They are also needed.

Popworld entry is £6, an ominous glimpse of Brexit Britain

For those in Derby who are yet to actually grow up, or just love a bit of overpriced nostalgia, there's always Popworld. It is £6 to get in, and far too easy to spend obscene amounts on drinks. Everyone is either getting off, failing to get off with someone, or being mardy in the smoking area over their ex. This isn't just hard Brexit, it's granite.

The takeaways are better than the clubs

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It's easy to see why most people returning to Derby from more hedonistic shores just don't bother going out at all. Yet another reason for this is the fact that the takeaways outclass the clubs no end. Some food from Sarry's at the end of the night will almost make your Derbados ordeal bearable. But not quite.