How to spot if you’re the group agony aunt

Being the group agony aunt is both a blessing and a curse. You’re always the first one to know the dramas that are going on, feeding your secret gossip addiction. But you can’t tell anyone, leading to a frustration like no other.

The Group Mum

You’re the group mum. When someone needs help figuring out an online shop, you’re there. Proof reading essays? You. Got a hole in your tights? You’ve got a spare pair. You worry about everyone eating properly. If they’ve had enough sleep. You’re the one that makes sure that the doors are locked on a night out, and that everyone makes it home. I bet you’ve got everyone on find my friends, and if you don’t you absolutely check on them on snap maps.

You’re Basically a Sexual Health Nurse

You will undoubtedly know the intimate details of everyone’s sex lives, and experience a pregnancy scare at least once a month. After every one night stand, someone will come into your room petrified that they have the clap and you'll spend all day trying to convince them they don't. You’ve been to the clinic so much that you know the nurses, and you’ve seen your mates swab themselves more times than you care to admit.

Piggy in the Middle

Being the group agony aunt means you’ll absolutely be caught in the middle of every fight that could ever happen; from “she ate my cheese” to “they cheated on me” and you’re going to have to mediate. No matter how big or small. You’re the first port of call, you’ve got shares in Kleenex at this point because you buy so many packs of tissues. You’re the wing woman when your mate needs to get over someone. The cuddle buddy when they need to cry, bringing cups of tea at all hours.

Forced Celibacy

The night has barely begun. A cute boy is definitely staring at you, and you know you’re going to be getting some tonight…or not. Jessica is having a break down, and you’ve been sucked into the all-encompassing black hole that is the ladies. Who knows how long you’re going to be in there. If it’s not crying, someone is throwing up in a truly spectacular and potetially fatal fashion, and it’s all you can do to hold their hair back and take them home ASAP. If you do manage to escape, the lad has gone, and it’s yet another lonely night for you. Don’t worry, your chips will keep you warm.

Constant DMC’s

One thing that you’ll soon realise as the group agony aunt is that going for coffee will never just being 'going for coffee'. Inevitably someone will start crying and by the time they've stopped, your coffee will have gone cold and their makeup will be ruined.

This also applies to a night out. Enter the smoking area at your own peril. It’s like people can sense you’re there and even strangers will flock to you trapping you into hour long DMC’s. One cig will turn into 20 as Megan (who you met five minutes ago) tells you why Jonny is such an arse.

There’s No One to Give You Advice

In a way, you’re your own best friend and worst enemy. By giving everyone advice all the time you seem to be an encyclopaedia of useful tips for emotional turmoil.

But when it comes to you, you can’t seem to take your own advice, and no one is able to give you advice because you're too stubborn, and it's useless. When you do finally have your breakdown – and you will – everyone will be so in shock that they won’t know what to do with themselves. It will probably cause them to freak out. In turn, you’ll feel the need to quickly sort yourself out in order to help them. It’s a vicious cycle.

It's a crazy time, you're always slightly stressed and reaching for a wine or gin. But it's all worth it in the end because they're your mates and you wouldn't know what you'd do without them.