All the excuses you come up with before being dragged to Corp

To Corp or not to Corp? That is the question…


That four letter word that begins to buzz around S10 come 5PM on a Wednesday. The Diamond, the IC, even on the rarest of occasions, Western Bank, become alive with the inner conflict that is the Corp struggle.

The age old question of “should I go?” starts to fill the innocent minds of first years with those Thursday 9ams that the university only timetable in as a test of character, needless to say it is a test most fail. The guilt, the Corp guilt. 

“I don’t have a tie”

This, my friend, is a lie. Anything and I mean anything can be fashioned into a school tie: tea towels, tights, a folded up lecture handout?

“I’m not going, I need to save money”

A popular excuse amongst the weak ones who, in less that six hours will be in the white room, two rainbow pints in and jumping around to Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed a Girl’.

“I don’t have a white shirt”

To Sheffield’s students, on a Wednesday, white shirts and ties are like gold dust. Lend them one and they will love you forever because without one, not only will you look utterly ridiculous as the rest of Corp prance around as if at a highly unsupervised school disco, but also you will have to face the shame of paying that humiliating £3 as the rest of your friends get the nod of approval from the ‘lady in the box’ at the door and waltz in for FREE!

The power she possesses is incalculable. Only in extenuating circumstances will a fresher follow through in rejecting the clutches of the cruel mistress that is Corp, however they will spend the evening hating themselves for their, frankly foolish willpower as they wave off their flatmates, and knowing even though jealousy and regret are bubbling inside of them, they can’t go because they lent their flatmate their only white shirt because they “definitely need to go to their 9AM tomorrow”. That is one of the greatest losses in life. Don’t be that person.

“I have uni tomorrow”

The question one must ask oneself before voting NO is ‘‘Will you be able to catch up on Corp via MOLE?”’ and that answer my friends is “NO”, you will however be able to catch up on how much of a good time your flatmates had without you by their various Snapchat stories documenting their depleting morales, increasing number of blue pints and generally fab night.

Thursday’s 9am however will eternally be available for you to copy up when the time comes that you have stopped regurgitating corp out of your system the following day

Life’s Short. Corp’s fun, so go.