A love letter to Louis Theroux

Not all heroes wear capes, some wear glasses and baggy shirts


Dear Louis Sebastian Theroux,

You stole our hearts back in 1998. With your wispy brunette locks, protruding Adam’s apple and gangly posture, there was something ridiculously loveable about you. You’re the eccentric lecturer that you have a crush on, but can’t work out why. You’re the nerdy older brother of your best friend – we know it’s wrong to be in love with you, but we just can’t help but blush whenever you say a funny joke. You’ve got a boyish face, but a manly charm. Is it any wonder that some of us have tattoos of you on our legs? Who could resist that naive and lovely face to carry round on our bodies until the day we die?

With your softly spoken voice, we dream of you reading us poetry in your gentle, southern accent. We love how innocent and lost you look when you took your glasses off before shooting a porn scene in your “Porn” weird weekend documentary.

You’ve been described by your friends as “inscrutable” and that’s what makes you so mysterious and romantic. When we watch you on TV, we realise what a good listener you are. You don’t offer advice unless asked, and you never judge people, regardless of your own personal views.

PSA: IM NOT LOUIS ITS NICE THAT U ALL TAG ME IN STUFF BUT IM NOT HIM PLS DONT THINK I AM

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There’s something about you, Louis, that’s irresistibly cool. Whilst you’re no James Franco or Alex Turner, the fact you don’t seem to care what other people think makes you the coolest man on British television. Every awkward situation you’re ever put in, whether you’re telling a neo-Nazi you have Jewish ancestry, or fighting off Christine Hamilton, you can handle it.

Just imagine introducing you to the parents – they couldn’t help but fall in love with you.

You’re able to communicate with people on a human level, and that’s what really stands out, Mr Theroux. You’re brilliant with kids, like the ones you interviewed on “Transgender Kids”, when you spoke to them like an adult, and as a result, got grown-up answers.

me fuckin the life out of 2017 in the hopes that in return i get the best year of my life

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Your awkward silences wouldn’t make us feel uncomfortable, but they’d make us feel more endeared towards you. Those silences would just give us extra time to stare into your slightly wild, “caught in the headlights” eyes.

There’s nothing that you’re afraid of, and you are more courageous and brave than you look at first sight. You tackle controversial subjects and questions head on, not being scared of what the scientologists might say about you, or if you might get a glass of wee chucked over you by one of America’s most dangerous inmates. 

You, Mr Louis Theroux, are the King of Quirkiness, and we could spend our time rewatching “Weird Weekends”, wearing our Louis T-Shirts and leggings, with your beautiful bearded face printed all over them.

And, yes, we’d definitely have “Groove is in the Heart” as our first dance at the wedding.

We’re over fuckboys – we want a geekboy like you, Louis.