What your cup of tea strength says about you

Aka how to spot a psychopath


Having a cup of tea is a well known British coping mechanism and therefore getting your cup right every time is important. If you’ve had a bad day at uni or are generally feeling under the weather, there’s nothing more likely to send you over the edge then a poorly made cuppa.

Here is the definitive list of all the kinds of tea drinkers you’ll find at uni and their traits, it’s a skill not to be underestimated.

Black tea

The person who answers “none” to the how much milk do you want question is a person not to be messed with. Ballsy and decisive, this housemate will use your cutlery and look you dead in the eye while doing it. On the plus side, during the tea rounds this is a low maintenance brew if ever I saw one, silver linings. A black tea drinker also has no need to debase themselves in the milk stealing politics, so an air of superiority often accompanies them.

Bold move.

Builder’s tea

The only way to really have a cup of tea if you’re honest with yourself. It’s got a hint of milk but still mainly tastes like actual tea. It’s perfect to wake up to, perfect for curing a hangover and perfect for a Sunday night. If this is your kind of cuppa then you truly have a handle on life and are going straight to the top. This is the housemate who has done all the reading before the seminars and never hands in an essay late, good work.

Anyone, whether at uni or the workplace, will respect this tea strength because of the confidence inspired by it. Builder’s tea is the foundation that Britain is built on and for good reason: it is the best.

Hey lil mama let me whisper in your ear

Somewhere between beach and young pine

Though not quite the ideal, this is still a good cup of tea so well done. Good for accompanying you during a 2am essay job but not quite refined enough to comfort you in a career-direction based fandango, there is still a time and a place for this brew.

You’re a functioning member of society and your housemates and friends won’t recoil when you offer to make a brew. Saying this you still have your moments, probably posting on the freshers page for tickets every week and leaving most of your work to the last minute is typical.

Not ideal but a welcome friend all the same.


One level above pure filth, there is most definitely still too much milk in this. Maybe you didn’t leave the bag in long enough or the milk was new so you’ve accidentally sloshed too much in? If this is not the case and you have in fact aimed for this colour then it can only be assumed that you find How I Met Your Mother funny and wear Hollister still. Think you should probably sit down and have a think about what you’ve done.

Just under-brewed really.


If this is the way you choose to have your tea and not the way it ends up after a beverage-based catastrophe then you need to retreat from polite society before you end up murdering someone or make an even bigger show of yourself. It’s under brewed and over-milked, you completely uncivilised fool. Why not just have a cup of lukewarm milk?

The extra sting in the tail is that you will have made it in a comically large Sports Direct mug, so it’s never ending as well. Side note: if this is acceptable or worse, requested by someone you know, then it would not be an overreaction to never speak to them again.

Just look at that. Maybe the bars are him in prison for his crimes against beverages?

Herbal or fruit tea

If your thinking green tea then fair play, it can be comforting in the summer months when breakfast tea may not be up to standard. However mango and strawberry or cranberry and blood orange are just taking it a step too far. Chances are, if complex fruit teas are your go to that you’re militantly vegan and relentlessly repeat the health benefits of fruit teas to anyone who will still listen to you. Either that or you’re on a momentary detox prompted by a rogue few nights out.

C’mon now.

No tea?

C’mon now, we all know you’re just trying to get out of becoming a part in the never-ending tea cycle. Either that or again, you simply cannot be trusted, sorry.