Everything you say you will do this semester, which you almost definitely won’t

So you went a little bit too hard on your week off between finishing exams and starting uni again and pledged to get your life back on track. Now it’s week one, you’re already behind on work and you’ve re-caught that four month long bout of Freshers’ Flu that you spent the entirety of Christmas getting rid of.

Here’s an inevitable list of everything you’ll promise, and probably fail, to do to this semester.

You’ll pledge to start actually going into Uni

How hard can it be? You’ll wake up at 6am every day and skip down to the library to get some extra reading done before the day starts.

Turns out you’ve missed four lectures and a seminar this week and it’s only Tuesday. You have no more than 11 contact hours a week, and your standard two hour Wednesday that starts at 11am and finishes at 1pm is somehow ridiculously hard to handle without gaining a mild coffee addiction and needing to nap half way through the day.

You could have gone into uni but you woke up at three, watched five series of Peep Show and probably didn’t get dressed today. And to be honest you’ve missed so many lectures this week you may as well just take the week off and start again on Monday.

You’ll pledge to stop going to Corp every single Wednesday

Okay stop pretending you actually believed this was going to happen. You’ve just got your second semester timetable and have seen the dreaded Thursday morning seminar that’s constitutes every Sheffield student’s worst nightmare. You promise to stop going out as often this semester, but Ben is playing an absolute banger in the corridor and let’s be honest you probably weren’t going to turn up tomorrow morning anyway.

Before you know it, it’s hit 10pm on a Wednesday, you’ve downed half a bottle of vodka and have accidentally put on a school tie. Your dedication to getting a first has regressed to settling for a third, and you’re back in the vicious cycle of wasting your student finance on blue pints, throwing up in Corp toilets and hiding your newest Corp TV appearance from your mum on Facebook.  You’ll probably never make that 10am anyway, so is there any point in trying?

You’ll promise to stop leaving your assessments until the day before they’re due in

You’ll be more organised this semester. You’ll start your essay as soon as the questions come out, and you probably have a colour co-ordinated essay timetable hung up on your wall. A week before it’s due, you still don’t properly know what you’re doing and you can’t go to your tutor for help because he probably doesn’t know who you are considering you literally went to two of his seminars.

Before you know it, you’re seven coffees down, half way through an all-nighter and 1000 words into the shittiest essay you’ve ever written for a module you went to three lectures for. And don’t lie, you probably panicked and spent half an hour lying on an extenuating circumstances form to try and get some extra time. Should I hand it in a day late and take the five per cent hit? You’ll have sorted this out before your dissertation so it’s not really that important, right? Probably mate, just hand this in and try again next time.

You’ll finally wash that tea towel that’s been rotting in your kitchen since week three

You won’t.

You’ll join the gym

And by join the gym, you probably went twice, got an Uber there and back again, and still aren’t too sure how to turn on the treadmill. You now pay £30 a month to pretend to be active and occasionally wear the joggers your mum bought you for Christmas to Morrison’s.

You’ll start eating healthily

Occasionally Instagramming avocado on toast probably doesn’t count. But you’ve made an official pledge to go vegan. You’ve bought some soya milk, went to one protest and now have accidentally filed to take a gap year to travel Europe by yourself to enhance your new free liberal lifestyle.

Three days in, you kind of miss cheese and realise your self control is nonexistent. Plus, Ben and Jerry’s was on offer so maybe you’ll just start again next week?  Stop using it as an excuse to not be blamed for stealing your flatmates’ milk, we know you still do it.

You’ll pledge to officially stop sleeping with your flatmate

For good this time. Okay, it probably happened again but there definitely won’t be a next time (there probably will be). Your flatmates will never stop bringing it up over dinner and it will never stop being funny