Every type of person you’ll meet in Endcliffe

If you can’t work out which one is the weirdo, it’s probably you

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Living in halls is a massive learning curve. Being crammed into a flat with a bunch of people you’ve never met before can be a daunting experience, but luckily we’re here to provide you with the definitive list of every type of person you’ll meet in Endcliffe.

The Posh One

He arrives in a mud-splattered Range Rover, calls his parents “Mama” and “Papa”, and brings with him a car full of Waitrose Essentials and a case of the finest Châteauneuf-du-Pape. He insists on wearing his tweed jacket to lectures and spends every weekend out shooting with his boarding school friends. He takes prospective girlfriends to wine tasting evenings, and cooks himself pheasant casserole as a “cheap meal”.

Try and get an invite to his New Years Eve party – you might bump into Prince Harry.

The Druggie

He spends the first night of Freshers’ trying to find a local dealer, bakes everyone a weed brownie for a moving in present, and attends all-night raves with equally druggie friends. He disappears for days on end, only to return and tell you about this “really good LSD” he took. He has a bucket hat permanently attached to his head, even in lectures, and walks around in a windbreaker and Airmax. He’s a wild one and a lot of fun.

The Sporty One

He’s insistent you go and watch him play in some shitty football match in a blizzard, and your flat is always full of gigantic rugby players with bloody noses and muddy shoes. He suggests you all go bowling to “get to know each other better” only to become freakishly competitive and sulk off when you beat him. He cycles into uni everyday, and does a 10km run even when he’s hungover. His Instagram is filled with pictures of him bench pressing, and he often walks around with no top on, in order to show off his six pack. He can drink like a fish, but beer is just empty calories, of course. He’ll come in handy when you go on a health kick in January.

The Sex Mad One

She spends pre-drinks telling you about that time she had an orgy with some indie rock band you’ve never heard of, and thrives in a game of ring of fire. She loves telling you how innocent you are, and tells everyone that her favourite flavour condom is strawberry. She can’t pick up a banana without pretending she’s giving it a blow job, and she enjoys nothing more than attending kinky role play workshops. She’s hilarious.

The Mature Student

He sees himself as the cool big brother of the group, when in actual fact everyone thinks he’s a dickhead. Constantly refers to the fact he’s already had “real life experience” and never shuts up about his gap year travelling around South East Asia. Tries to educate his younger peers in “life skills” such as cooking (even though he can’t boil an egg), politics (even though he couldn’t even name the leader of the opposition) and drinking (he throws up after one VK). He’ll be fun at first, but unbelievably irritating by Christmas.

The Scary One

A self-proclaimed anarchist, and queen of controversy, she enjoys nothing more than stirring up an argument. She absolutely petrifies you, and will argue that the sky isn’t blue and grass isn’t green should you be foolish enough to get on the wrong side of her. She spray paints “Fuck The Establishment” on the Dean’s Office, and is probably studying Sociology or Politics.

The first thing she asks you is “What do you think of Margaret Thatcher?” and if you happen to say, “She wasn’t all bad”, she’ll scribble “Tory Scum” on your bedroom door. She has no qualms about offending the friends you have around for pre-drinks, telling them their political views are horse shit and writes aggressive indirect Facebook statuses about you all. Nonetheless, it’s nice to be around people who have an opinion..ahem.

 

The Laddish One

Calls everyone a “geezer” and is unbelievably loud. Often begins sentences with “One time in Zante..” and makes inaudible yelping noises at other “lads” who often yelp back. He talks to everyone, and is painfully rude to his housemates, but always says “banter” at the end which excuses him, of course.

The Dizzy One

She’s sweet, funny and kind, but you have absolutely no idea how she got three A-Levels and was accepted onto her course for English Literature. Wondrously intelligent, but can’t cross the road without a friend to help her. She often gets on the wrong train to go home. She’s kooky and sweet, but impossible to have a conversation with.

The Weird One

Painfully shy, has a nervous twitch when he talks to you, and you spend a good half of the year wondering if he moved out as you haven’t seen him since November. You sometimes see him from a distance, lugging around a rucksack filled with textbooks, and he always has the curtains closed in her room.

The Northern One

She speaks in a dialect nobody can understand, eats pie every night for her dinner, and has gravy on everything. She drinks an unbelievable amount of larger and constantly has Oasis playing full blast from her room. She also goes out wearing a short dress and heels even in the depths of winter, but is unbelievably friendly.

The Medical One

You’ll spot him straight away, as he’ll say “Hi, I’m a medical student” in a friendly, but smug, tone. If anyone so much as sneezes, he checks their temperature, wraps them up in a blanket, and sends them to their room with a hot drink. On a night out, he’s always the one to tell you you’ve “had enough”, and the lectures about a healthy diet and exercise will become part of your daily routine. Beware around halloween, when he worries about all the people he can see with blood on their shirt…