What kind of Brexiteer are you?

The referendum is almost here and, for most of us, it’ll pass evoking nothing more than a sigh of relief and a chorus of “thank God that’s over”s. For some, though, the EU referendum is a life-and-death battle for the future of the country, so naturally I’ve resolved to harshly criticise the Out camp by dividing them into easily lampooned stereotypes and jabbing them with a rhetorical stick.

Enjoy.

The Borisite Tory

You think sovereignty is a legitimate concept in a political climate where cutting taxes is necessary to stop the rich from pissing off to the Canaries and leaving the country to rot. You like to pretend that the money reclaimed from leaving the EU will be put into social endeavours like disability benefits and the NHS, when in reality you’re perfectly aware that any money saved will be spunked up the wall to fund higher wages for MPs, more adverts for demonising the homeless and stuffing as many people in prison as possible for the crime of smoking a spliff.

The Rupert Murdoch

You literally hate everyone that isn’t eye-wateringly rich, but you’re also so ridiculously wealthy (and old) that you’ve got nothing left to do with your time. The result is that your life is emptier than the first page of a Starbucks hipster’s novel. For that reason you’ve cynically made it your life goal to drive political discourse in the country as far to the right as you possibly can before you die so that everyone ends up as miserable as you are.

The Uncompromising Leftie

You think Owen Jones and Jeremy Corbyn are sell outs for advocating continued membership of the EU, but at the same time you’re hoping people like Owen Jones will be able to convince the electorate to vote for the Dear Leader in time for the next general election. Then, free from the bureaucratic shackles of the corporatist European bloc, Corbyn’s Labour will be able to throw money at the country’s problems until they disappear, much like your parents’ begrudged choice to financially support you through university.

At the No More War event at Parliament Square in August. A Creative Commons stock photo.

The True Patriot

You think anyone who wants to stay in the EU sees Britain as a weak country that can’t survive on its own, a point that nobody ever actually says but one you’ll nonetheless counter by repeatedly saying “Britain has the 5th largest economy in the world” and “we didn’t defeat the Nazis just so the Germans could take us over anyway.”

You long for a time when the grass was green, the seas were blue and other things were other colours, like they were in the good old days before those bloody Eurocrats wrapped us up in red tape and suffocated our culture in its sleep.

The Farage Worshipper

You’re highly concerned about immigration and thus have the most in common with the “Leave”-inclined electorate, and indeed with the man who brought us this car crash of a referendum in the first place: Nigel Farage.

You love a cheeky pint and a cigarette, and unironically say things like “Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims.” You’re also the most likely to get TRIGGERED by this article – ironic considering your utter disdain for political correctness. If the UK votes to remain on the 23rd of June you’ll probably spend the rest of your life ranting about Project Fear, and I do sympathise, but not enough to dismiss the fact that you’re implying that our entire political life isn’t totally based on fear in the first place (see the aforementioned point about sovereignty.)

Bae

The “I was on the fence before but after I saw all those luvvies and virtue-signalling lefties lording it over everybody and trying to claim the moral high ground I decided to vote out”

Come on, there’s no way you can exist. Left-wingers can be pretty damn insufferable but don’t pretend like you weren’t always planning to vote out. Saying that you chose to side with the hedge managers, career politicians and xenophobes that make up the Brexit support base because obnoxious lefties scared you off is ridiculous. It makes about as much sense as joining ISIS because someone said a mean thing to you and now you want revenge—

The reasonably clued-up, well-meaning Eurosceptic who — after weighing up the facts — has made an informed decision to vote out

Now you definitely do not exist. Please select one of the above stereotypes at random and get upset at your gross, uncharitable portrayal instead.

In or out, don’t forget to vote on the 23rd of June. The power to decide the future of Britain and who the rich, unaccountable, out-of-touch politicians who’ll run it into the ground are going to be lies in your hands.