Every stage of a night out in Corp

Call it fate

Corp is famed for the nights of chaos that it houses every Wednesday. As your donning your shirt and tie there are a finite number of ways your night can go, so here is the definitive list of things that can and will happen to you through the course of a night at Sheffield’s most notorious club.

  1. Everyone will be questioned on Wednesday as to if they are off to Corp, to which the question is typically “yes”.
  2. When asked if you are, you’ll talk about how badly you need to be in uni on Thursday and answer “maybe not”
  3. After being bombarded with shouts of “Corpe Diem” you will cave to the peer pressure.
  4. You’ll sit in your lecture and try to remember whether you washed the white shirt from last week.
  5. You then realise it doesn’t matter either way as the Corp shirt is probably heading the same way as your Corp shoes. Oops.

    corp shoes

    Exhibit A

  6. You don’t  need to shower, all your hard hard would be undone in seconds.
  7. Your outfits the same every week, what a time to be alive, there’s minimal getting ready time.
  8. You will then dust off your Glen’s vodka and Fanta Fruit Twist, lavish.
  9. Early drinking is the order of the evening, there is no way you could roll up to Corp sober.
  10. It’s all gone tits up and you’re drunk by 9.30pm.
  11. The drinking doesn’t let up and you’ve got to stumble to a taxi shouting that you should have got queue jump tickets.
  12. You’ll proclaim that you’ll get that magic queue jump ticket next week for sure, to avoid this hassle.
  13. You won’t.
  14. The queue is a monumental sight to behold, almost post-apocalyptic.
  15. The time in the queue will be spent convincing yourself you can act sober in front of the bouncers.

    ‘I promise I’m not that drunk’

  16. They don’t give a hoot and the final obstacle you have is convincing the kiosk woman that you are in fact school uniform and therefore are deserving of discounted entry.
  17. You are in desperate need of the toilet after the queue and head towards the loos with the whole squad asap.
  18. The toilets are an incarnation of Hell.
  19. You wade to the undoubtedly flooded toilets but haul ass out of there quick because it smells diabolical, even this early.
  20. You stop and decide photos are a good idea in your inebriated state.
  21. You probably look awful.

    One for the photo album

  22. Like a moth to a flame, you’re drawn to the allure of the Corp pint.
  23. Though you could comfortably remain drunk for the next day, you get a classic blue pint, is there any other option?
  24. The overwhelming majority of it will go in someone else’s hair.
  25. Waiting for everyone else to get served you’ll bump into that person from your seminar!! They’re so great, tell them you love them just once more!!
  26. You’ll go into the white room and belt out some Usher.
  27. The heat has got to you and you are in desperate need of air.

    A pint in each hand is the way it’s done

  28. You’ll fall down every flight of stairs physically possible.
  29. Twice.
  30. In the smoking area you will smoke even though it’s “just social, it brings me closer to people” xxx
  31. You’ll then turn your eye to pulling, if your motor senses are still working.
  32. “He’s fit right??”
  33. “Nevermind”
  34. You’ll fall back up the stairs only to have several coloured pints decorate your once white shirt.
  35. Mr Brightside comes on and you belt out every single lyric, whilst repeatedly rolling your eyes and emphasising how much you hate the song.
  36. You try and wingman your mate, only to be so effective you come a third wheel. Chances are you’ll cry at how sad you are.
  37. Your seminar pal from earlier has resurfaced!! No reason sleeping with them could go wrong, right?
  38. You can almost feel your future self slapping you for making such a poor life decision.

    What happens in Corp never stays in Corp

  39. You are both horny and drunk and swiftly make your way to the taxi, stopping at Aslan’s if your conquest is hankering for a battered sausage.
  40. The taxi drive will be a hazy blur.
  41. Did either of you even pay?
  42. The one night stand was something to be repeated or discussed EVER.
  43.  “We were both super drunk right?”
  44. Your Corp of shame will feature everyone you don’t want to see and the hangover will debilitate you for days. It’s a win all round.
  45. Then begins the eternal “can-I-play-off-my-Corp-attire-as-business-formal?” debate.