We tried the Bar One Christmas Dinner Burger Challenge
Only one out of the 50 competitors finished it
This Monday Bar One hosted their toughest eating challenge yet – Student V Food Christmas Food Challenge.
The task was simple. Pay £10 for a ticket, show up, eat a shit load of food, win a t-shirt, become a legend. Easy, right?
Wrong. Faced with a burger made up of 12 ounces of turkey meat, 700g of stuffing, bacon, at least 15 roast potatoes, more sprouts than you could count and what felt like thousands of pigs in blankets accompanied with a pint of gravy, our confidence was running high. At first.
My partner and I both prepared in the same way: starvation. Armed with empty stomachs not fed for 24 hours and a helping of cocksure swagger, we were confident we would smash this beast.
The challenge began at 6.30 p.m on Monday night.
We began with different techniques. I went for a Man Vs Food-inspired eat all the small shit really quickly at first technique. All the sprouts, potatoes and pigs in blankets were gone almost immediately. And I felt good.
My adversary, however, tackled the burger first. Three huge, chewy turkey burgers and three stodgy stuffing patties, in a bun. Heavy.
As time dragged on, it was time to tackle the burger. At this point, I felt like I could handle it but the remaining 400g of stuffing on my plate was daunting. That sage and onion was staring deep into my soul. I was terrified.
The turkey began to make me gag by the third patty. So chewy, and so grim. I was beginning to feel full, and I wanted to wolf it all down before I hit the dreaded “wall”. But the meat and the stuffing – cold by this point – was truly disgusting.
Seeking to distract myself, I contemplated necking the pint of gravy. Anything to avoid showing my dented confidence to the crowd, or even worse to the burger itself.
By about 7.00pm, an hour after the first gladiators entered this meaty colosseum, cheers were heard on the horizon.
It became apparent that some freak of nature had smashed the whole plate, and was being lauded for his efforts. The manager on hand assured me that this mysterious hero was the only victor so far, and they had served over fifty plates. Incredible.
His name was Matt, and he will go down in the annals of history. A Chemistry fourth year and member of the rowing club, I asked what his technique was. Matt simply uttered the immortal words “Small chunks, chewed well, ate fast.” And that was that.
Rumour has it that Matt’s followers and disciples are making a mass pilgrimage today into town to get his inspiring maxim tattooed on their bodies forever.
Would meeting the proverbial Christmas food Jesus inspire me to devour the remainder of my plate? Alas, unfortunately not.
On returning to my seat, I felt as if I could barely see the edges of my enormous plate. The white porcelain became a terrifying plain, from which I would never return home. The balls of stuffing were beige mountains, dominating the horizon.
I conceded defeat.
On reflection, it was the 700g of stuffing which killed us, as well as the legions of fallen men and women strewn about the Bar One floor. The combination of the stuffing in the burger and the half kilo to consume afterwards was the reason almost everybody failed this gargantuan task.
On our walk home, we truly began to feel the deathly effects of eating so much food in just under an hour in total. We had managed to avoid “hitting the wall”, but in doing so we made ourselves feel even more sick. Less avoided hitting the wall, more jumped right over the wall into a river of shit.
We were well and truly stuffed.