Assessment season is here, you need to create a revision illusion
Being lazy is so 2014
Assessment season is upon you, and at this time of year it’s not only necessary to appear hard working, but it’s actually on trend.
There’s nothing cool about being lazy anymore, and if you haven’t sorted your act out by now, you simply never will. Your chances of a 2:1 may be crumbling around you, and all that’s on your mind is the question, “how do I convince not only myself but everyone around me that I’ve got my shit together?”
Look a mess
First and foremost, nothing says “I’ve been working really hard” like making yourself look as disheveled as possible. The scruffier you are, the better. You want to see your course friends’ faces drop when they catch you in sweats, with awful hair and a look of tiredness painted across your face.
This is not the time for vanity. If you want to give the impression that you’re dedicated to your degree, then shabby chic is a vital vibe to master. Gone are the days when you could leave the house in your nicest threads, and instead you must accept that looking ugly is a price worth paying to ensure you give off that “Ive been in the library all night” kind of look.
Moan at every opportunity
Moaning is a great way to make sure you subtly tell everybody around you just how hard you’re working. Cry to your housemates, ring up your parents for a rant, and most importantly keep your course friends updated on the stresses of your life with regular messages.
The moaning technique is a surefire way to reassure the world that you’re smashing your studies. Not only will it inevitably result in your mum preaching about how proud she is, but the jealousy will practically shine off of your friends when they realise how on top of it all you are. Whether you’ve actually done loads of work, or you allow yourself some creative licence, complaining about the struggles of your twelve hour library sesh will inevitably make you look superior to everybody else around you.
Create photographic evidence
You know what they say, if there isn’t a picture did it even happen? And beyond posting pictures of your food and selfies, Instagram and Snapchat were solely invented for those pretending to work. After all, nothing rubs your dedicated attitude in the face of others quite like a ten second preview of your detailed revision cards, or an Instagram of the latest book you “read” despite not getting past the first page.
Producing the perfect picture is an art in itself. Do your revision notes look scruffy enough? Does your text book really look like it has been thoroughly read? These are all things you must consider. By the time you have captured the perfect shots you are bound to have killed at least half an hour, whilst simultaneously making others envious of your studious ways.
Set up a second home in the library
Who cares whether you’re actually working or not? Nothing gives the illusion that you are like pimping out your library desk to the max. Make sure it is covered in intellectual books, littered with empty coffee cups and food debris and laden with screwed up pieces of paper.
Those experienced in the façade of working hard might even bring a pillow along, or whack some flowers on the desk – make yourself at home and you will undoubtedly impress everybody around you with your impeccable work ethic.
Spend hours making sure your notes are pretty
Cant be bothered to do anything but want to look busy? There’s a simple and fun solution. Rewrite those notes of yours until they are practically beautiful enough to be hung in the Tate. Nothing is more rewarding than a perfectly colour coded, exquisitely presented piece of work.
Nobody has to know that you copied the whole thing off Wikipedia, what they’re going to be gawping at is the wondrous way in which your highlighting resembles one of Monet’s greatest masterpieces. Texturising your analysis of Great Expectations with just a dash of colour and a hint of bubble writing is the perfect way to look like you’ve been working tirelessly, and it’s sure to turn jealous heads in your seminars.
Hide in your room all day
The easiest of all techniques, hiding in your room all day involves minimal effort and results in maximum comfort. Simply pre prepare a selection of snacks, wrap yourself in a cocoon of blankets and lock your door. For all your housemates know you’ve been sat at your desk all day perfecting your course work, or completing all your optional secondary reading (which nobody actually does).
Refer to the “look a mess” and “moan” sections when it comes to leaving your room and facing your unsuspecting friends. They’re none the wiser that you’ve actually been napping and watching I’m a Celeb in bed all day, and if you emerge convincingly from your dungeon of lies after an eight hour TV binge, you’re gonna look like an absolute pro.