Please, shut up about your library girlfriend

Bae doesn’t even know who you are

Someone, somewhere may have decided that you are now in a library relationship.

Remember that nice guy who offered you a cookie earlier? That girl who let borrow her iPhone charger? They’re probably planning your romantic elope at this very second.

Gazing through their computer screens in a coffee induced haze, picturing your future wedding and baby names as you sit there completely oblivious.

Go away


It’s the creepy new craze which is sweeping campus. The idea that you could be in an imaginary relationship with someone across the study desk, and you don’t even know it.

Whilst you’re working away, ploughing through some crisps and basking in the immense stress levels of revision, somebody could have decided that you are their one and only… at least for the rest of the exam period.

Yes, thats right. People have become so bored when studying they’ve morphed into creepy stalkers as a get out from revision.

Why scroll through Twitter or chat to a friend like a normal person, when you could sit in the corner of the silent study area, planning a romantic rendezvous with someone who doesn’t even know your name?

Of course when in the library it is natural to check out the eye candy… to peruse the room for the nearest fitties and give them a cheeky glance every now and then. It keeps you occupied. But when did library crushes become so intense and sordid?

At first it was fairly amusing, a bit of banter with the lads and a sure fire way to get at least 40 up votes on Yik Yak, but has this not gone too far?

Daisy Collingwood, a second year Geographer described her traumatic ordeal, after she accidentally acquired a library boyfriend: “A boy offered me use of an extension cable in Western Bank last week, and given the notorious plug drought in there, I of course accepted.

“After being followed to Sainsbury’s for three consecutive days after, some awkward attempts at chat and a few suspicous yaks, I realised what I’d got myself into: I was in a library relationship.

“Immediately I felt compelled to break things off and move to the mezzanine.

“He seemed nice, and at the end of the day it wasn’t him, it was me. I have enough on my plate at the moment without a library boyfriend to deal with.”

The craze has gone to far

Library lovers, it is time to re-evaluate your revision periods, and your lives.

Sure, sit there and daydream about a hot date with your library bae if you must, candle lit dinner in the cafe or maybe even star gazing on the sixth floor, but please, let it stop there.

The library is not a place to air your intense sexual frustration.

Lurking behind bookshelves and watching your library girlfriend eat a banana, or pissing in her pencil case when she doesn’t reciprocate, is not going to get you anywhere.

Green anchor and Red fire know the drill.