Which Snapchat tribe do you belong to?
It’s hard to be the most contemptible person you can in under 10 seconds
Snapchat’s not just the reserve of bratty teenagers and sordid dick pics from horny past conquests anymore. No, it’s a phenomenon, a way of life. There’s something so obnoxious about offering your peers a 10 second glimpse into your existence, letting them peek through the curtain at all the fascinating things which happen to you every day. You’re not interesting and deep down you know it – but hopefully if your mates only see you in brief snapshots, they won’t realise. But what are you showing them?
The new clubber
In comparison to your other mates, you were probably a bit of a late bloomer. The first time you got properly drunk was A Level results night, and you’ve suddenly been thrown into this magical world of parties, pints and pills at uni.
You love it, you can’t get enough. In your mind, you’re finally working that Skins vibe you dreamt of five years ago, only more high brow.
Pint at 3 o’clock in the Union? Mental, get that on the Snapchat story ASAP. That house night you paid 17 quid entry for? BEST night of your entire life. Anything less than 400 seconds of blurry footage just wouldn’t do it justice.
The health freak
At the end of the day, there’s only one better feeling than reaping the benefits of your health detox, and that’s waving it in the proverbial, social media faces of everyone else.
Whilst you’ve clearly agonised over your Tupperware and greens selection, no amount of filter, or strategic lighting, is going to make that protein rich food prep look any more desirable.
Similarly, that swamp-colour health juice you blended all by yourself and videoed? Disgusting. No ones impressed.
The passive aggressive
You’ve cleaned the kitchen at least three times on your own this week, and you’re understandably sick of coming down for breakfast to find chow mein hanging down the walls and your butter laying face down in a pool of Everyday Value vodka.
You know you’ve posted one too many cleaning related messages on your WhatsApp group recently, and your housemates are clearly becoming desensitised.
What better than an onslaught of gently threatening visual reminders and a bitchy story update to propel your ongoing domestic to its next stage?
You don’t even like coffee, but you no doubt went to Starbucks specially so you could jauntily place your skinny Frappuccino at the side of your Mac, and provide real time essay word count updates to your mates in the library.
If you’re feeling particularly smug, you’ll make sure that latest essay mark is firmly in lense, or maybe even dedicate a full snap to your feedback sheet.
“Omg? 74? But I did SO shit in this!” It doesn’t take a first to know exactly what you’re doing, and Snapchat is not a place for purposely trying to stress everyone out.
The newly single
You’ve recently broken up with your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other and understandably, found a strange, perhaps unwelcome, hole in your life.
Naturally there’s only one thing to fill that void; let everyone know you’re back on the market with hourly, filter enhanced selfies accompanied by irrelevant captions such as “Off for drinks :)”, or even more self indulgent “Love a good seflie x”.
Those of you who are still hurting might bring in cute pets, Zinfandel and big bars of Galaxy to prove what a truly great time you’re having.
There’s one thing more exciting than a holiday itself, and tha’ts your final two fingers to England; the standard, cloud engulfed plane wing snap.
You wait for the replies and well wishes to flood in, but nothing. Obviously, you then update with a clear and well positioned picture of your boarding pass. Still nothing.
Do Snapchats get lost in airspace? Is your phone broken? Why does no one care?
Because they’re at home, walking their dog in the rain and eating curly fries, and they’re tired of being taunted by you.
The deliberately ugly
There comes a point in everyone’s Snapchat life, when the degrading, Satanic nature of front camera becomes all too much.
Ultimately, that dreaded first opening of the app could make even Ryan Gosling look like he’s just stepped out of a nuclear reactor. Why aimlessly fight it when you could embrace those facial fat rolls, in what you hope is an endearingly self deprecating fashion?
If you’re going to look repellent anyway, where’s the harm in fully committing?
Whether it’s an array of awkward childhood photos you just “can’t get over!”, a poo snap, or the full visual down low of a relatively uninteresting ailment, there are certain things literally nobody else wants to know about.
You’ll be the first to bitch about people whining on their Facebook status’s, but that tender snap of your Lemsip and hot water bottle, accompanied by the disheartened and/or surgical mask emoji is really no better.
The same goes for the more graphic among you. If you wouldn’t get your gammy, blistered toe out in a lecture, or display your ghastly rash to a stranger in the club, then why inflict it on your Snapchat contacts?