Why are people still wearing trilby hats?

It’s 2015


If you still wear a trilby hat in this day and age then you need to re-evaluate your life.

You may not have identified this as an issue, or think it is one worth considering, yet the return of the trilby hat is a problem sweeping the nation bonce by bonce.

Where it belongs

You’d think they’d be a thing of the past, left safely in the early 2000’s along with Blazin Squad and Gareth Gates, so why are they still re-emerging 15 years on?

If you wore one back in the day and learnt from it, then fine. We all make mistakes. We learn and we grow, and endure our excruciating posts on Time Hop as a result. But, if you’re still wearing one in 2015, you deserve to be judged.

A stand of trilby hats in the men’s section of Zara recently was enough to bring bile up anyone’s throat. Shockingly, it’s not just Zara that’s dealing these monstrosities – River Island, Topman and ASOS are also partaking in the heinous crime.

They should know better.

Extortionate prices to make yourself look like a douche bag

The history of the trilby hat is as follows: they appeared in the 20s, to make a comeback in the 60s, 80s and 2000s. Why is this proverbial stench still loitering around the world of fashion?

And if the main perpetrators of such heinous headgear are the likes of Chico (yes, as in “It’s Chico Time”), OIly Murs, and Madonna then why would you even consider placing one upon your bonnet?

Chico… Breaking hearts since 2005

It’s not only the ghastly aesthetic value of the trilby that is quite so offensive, no, it’s also the connotations associated with the garment. The headwear aggressively screams “please let me be cool”, in true Olly Murs fashion.

Yet this desperate attempt to spice up an outfit wildly backfires without fail every time. They, in fact, produce the opposite effect – being the hallmark of tragic.

Avril Lavine era Circa 2002

The power of the trilby is incredible – such a simple object can render a usually solid 9/10 as a common-all-garden 3/10. It’s a sure fire eradication of attractiveness has been witnessed countless times, rendering some Tinder users entirely matchless as it automatically induces a swipe to the left. Sorry fellas.

If you’re not an X Factor candidate, 6 year old boy at a wedding knee sliding across the dancefloor or a try-hard teacher in bootleg jeans then for Gods Sake stop this fashion crime whilst you still can.

People. Stop wearing them.

Burn baby, burn