A day in the life of Kate Middleton the guinea pig

She once refused Aldi porridge


In the first of our BPOC series, Big Pets On Campus, we meet Kate Middleton.

Kate is a guinea pig from Broomhill, with a love for organic veg, hair conditioning and upmarket brands. 

K-Middy is arguably the most spoilt guinea pig around, boasting her own private quarters in a 6 person house.

The future Queen has arrived

“Kate literally is a diva. She will only eat organic fruit and veg. She’s basically like Beyonce – we once bought her Aldi porridge and she refused to eat it,” parent Lauren gushes.

This spoilt attitude largely stems from the fact that she is treated like a new-born baby, rather than a guinea pig.

Gaby, co-parent to Her Highness told us: “One time Kate was breathing a bit heavily, and I had to convince my two housemates that £180 was ridiculous for an emergency vet appointment in the middle of the night.

“Spurred on by their adoration, they rushed her in regardless. The vet was by no means impressed.”

Princess in transit

So, how does the Princess make it through her day?

7am – Breakfast 

Without fail, one of the house gets up around sunrise to feed Kate. This proves monumentally hard, particularly after a night out, but she’s worth it.

Organic veg for Kate’s vegan diet

 12pm – Naptime (for all)

After a busy morning eating, drinking and shitting – and that’s not just Kate – it’s time for some much deserved shut eye.

Kate Middleton – the morning after the night before.

 2.30pm – Royal duties are performed

Despite her diva status, Kate still keeps it real. She may be a Princess but she still knows her roots.

Kate Middleton earning her keep

 3pm – Clean out

Kate appreciates having her bedding changed regularly. Her litter is changed, wheel polished, pillows fluffed, and she’s back to bed for another short respite.

4pm – Shopping time 

Whilst the rest of the house scrimp and save to feed themselves, living on a diet of frozen food and Super Noodles, Kate only accepts the best. Fresh fruit and vegetables are bought on a regular basis to keep her healthy, happy and lean.

What sort of princess would carry her own shopping home?

 5.30pm – Dinner time

Turkey dinosaurs for the rest of the family, and a charming blend of organic kale, blueberries, spinach and peppers for Kate. Eat clean, train mean.

Silver service

 7pm – Bathtime

Kate is very sensitive about her inevitable, lightly pungent smell, and so she is bathed daily. Her routine includes a few minutes of basic paddling, amongst bubbles of specially imported guineapig shampoo.

She’s very particular about the grooming routine, always ensuring the conditioner is washed out thoroughly. What sort of diva has a greasy weave?

9pm – Film

Before bed, Kate likes to wind down watching fellow guineapigs on her own personal TV. Her favourite film to date is 50 shades of Pig.

Square eyes

 10pm – Lights out

After an exhausting day of being fabulous, it’s finally sleep time for K-Middy. Lauren comments “I won’t allow the light to be turned on in Kate’s room after dark, because I feel it will mess up her circadian rhythm.

“When people feed her in the evening, they must do it in the dark. iPhone torches are not permitted”.