Why you shouldn’t date people who do English

They’ll be your living nightmare


No contact hours, sickening attention to detail and a compulsive habit of overthinking, dating an English student is never going to be a smooth ride.

It’s not for the faint hearted.

Everything is ‘but why?’

English students have to understand what everything means. Every last thing. But it’s just a joke, it’s not funny when you have to explain it in depth. And besides, not everything has a deeper meaning. Sometimes people really do just like getting really pissed because it’s fun – it doesn’t represent a deep seeded resentment for their parents or a childhood trauma. Why does everything have to be “why”?

No deep seated resentment here

 You can’t write ANYTHING down when you’re around them

They will be constantly monitoring and judging you on your grammar. You’d better know the difference between your/you’re, there/their/they’re and which/witch, because they will consider any minor grammatical mistakes like that up there with the likes of cheating, theft and murder. You might as well consider the relationship over at that point.

We can’t all be perfect

They think about everything you say in amazing detail

So you’d better be clear. You’ll say something vague, and before you know where you are, you’re on a completely different subject and you’re in deep shit for no apparent reason.

They are constantly taught to look for detail. You could just say you’re going to the shops, and when you get back and they’ll be in tears on the floor because they thought that meant you were breaking up with them.

They get overly attached to characters

Prepare yourself for an angry tirade if you ever, God forbid, suggest a character isn’t real.

Yes, I know that you like Harry Potter. Oh you LOVE Harry Potter, sorry. It’s not actually Harry that you love, it’s Ron? Why does it matter, they’re just fictional characters. They don’t matter. They don’t exist. And Ron isn’t even the main character, so why are you still talking about it?

It’s Ron

They will ruin every cinema trip for you

They will ALWAYS tell you that the book is better than the film. They will talk throughout the whole thing, nit-picking at the bits that were different in the book, and how the actors are not portraying the characters well enough. And you can’t even argue, because you haven’t read the book, and therefore can’t compare. Why do they read so many bloody books?

They just love the books

They get weird about accents 

You stop to talk to your friend. He has an accent different to yours. Not only will they stare at his mouth for a prolonged period of time, but they’ll then they butt in mid conversation: “Can you just say that again? Yes hill, can you say hill again please?”. It’s creepy. You don’t need it.

They have no contact hours

This means all the time in the world to pester you. Monday morning, Monday afternoon, Monday evening, Monday night. Tuesday morning, Tuesday afternoon… you name it, they’re there. Like a bad rash you just cannot shake.