Ranmoor freshers ‘horrified’ after person defecates on their doorstep

What started as harmless, first year flat warfare ended in turmoil – when Ranmoor freshers discovered human excrement outside their front door.

Wimberry resident and Politics student Izzy Raine said the atrocity was “utterly vile”, while fellow flatmate and Biomedical Scientist Matt Ritter described the faeces as “slightly green and definitely not healthy”.

Monsters

In what pundits are dubbing “Defe-gate”, Residential Mentors have now been allocated to improve relations between the two flats and teach some important Key Stage One lessons about not excreting on other people’s property.

“Our flat has always been noisy. We had parties all through Freshers’ Week so people knew us quite well,” Izzy said.

“It was a couple of weeks later before the real hostilities began.

“We were sat in our kitchen minding our own when six girls let themselves in, purely to laugh at the cleanliness of our flat, or lack of.

“They said they’d heard our kitchen was disgusting, as if that makes this acceptable, and wanted to see for themselves.

Where it all started

“Apparently, they deemed my response of ‘fuck off’ inappropriate and disrespectful.

“A few nights later a girl from another building rang our doorbell at 4am on a weekday night, clearly taking the piss.

“So, as anyone would, the next night I did the very same to them. Had I have known what was about to follow, I probably would have thought twice.

“By the Sunday morning, a vile stench was emanating through the whole of Wimberry.

“I received the dreaded text no person ever wants to read: ‘Someone’s taken an actual shit outside our front door’.

“And indeed, they had. An actual human being had deposited an actual shit outside our flat”.

Izzy taking one for the team

Despite efforts to since clean up the mess, the stain still remains outside the Ranmoor flat.

One flatmate said: “I’ve spent more time cleaning poo than in lectures this week”.

To add insult to injury, as the alleged perpetrator was not a resident himself, but thought to be a friend of the enemy flat visiting from another uni, Izzy and her flatmates may now be fined for the faecal protest.

Had similar poo problems? Email [email protected]