Craigslist must-haves for Freshers’ Week

Dear fresher – if you want to have a fulfilled time at Sheffield, make sure you purchase these essential items

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A free friend

If you’re struggling to find some best mates in your first few weeks in Sheffield, why not pick up Liam? I’m sure he’ll have some form of fake ID, or might have even turned 18 by now. “Functions but not well” definitely means he’s a party animal who is always trying to recover from his ongoing bender.

‘It’s alright Mum, we’ll take him in’

‘Nude pics’

If you’ve got no game, can’t get any, and no one will even send you any snapchat nudes, then never fear, for your student loan is for spending, and what better to spend it on than photos of ‘hot girl naked’?

Get some game boys

Fancy dress

The amount of fancy dress parties in freshers week is uncountable, so make sure your outfit stands out from the crowd. And walking out in nothing other than underwear is obviously the way to get the best sort of male attention. But who can afford fancy new underwear? This “Mature” (worn) underwear is clearly the best choice for Sheffield’s craziest parties.

Yep

She wont be happy if you don’t wear it…

Hungover and bored?

Everyone knows the perfect cure is to sit around doing things that you did when you were five, so why not buy this Disney Cars jigsaw? Heaven knows it’ll be harder than your degree.

Where does this piece go?

Camcorder

Why be “the friend who always takes pictures” when you can be “the friend who always takes videos”? You’ll be the talk of the village, EVERYONE will want to be in your next video. Because, as we all know, EVERYONE loves being videoed drunk, and they’ll all love you for it, especially in the morning, when your arty fade ins appear on Facebook.

 Chavvy clothes

Where else to get your new  wardrobe but Craigslist? This guy is selling away his whole past life as a chav (including yellow dildo?!) and becoming a new man. You’ll see him sat in Starbucks in his skinny jeans and flat cap, pretending he never used to harass old ladies on street corners. So why not buy his old persona off him? YOU could be the new Chav in town.

Erm?