The ten stages of Tinder

It’s called Tinder, because it makes sparks. Or a house fire.


The same terrible realisation has struck so many students, that we will all die alone and have no hope of a meaningful relationship with another human being. You are resigned to loneliness and think the time has come to wallow in it. But then, the solution shows its ugly face; Tinder.  And so it begins…

1)      Shame

The day has come that you can resist the charms of Tinder no more. Yet you take to the App store somewhat cautiously, paralysed by the thought of what you are about to become.

You’re not divorced, crippled by emotional baggage or nurturing an unforgivable fetish; you’re in the prime of your life. As Wiz Khalifa wisely said; you are young, and wild, and free. And brilliant. Is internet dating really a brush you want to tar yourself with?

Shame

2)      Excitement

Suddenly the epiphany arrives; App dating is a whole new, more acceptable kettle of fish to internet dating. It’s okay. It’s different. It is.

Your friends all rave about it and even Harry Styles has taken a dip in the proverbial pond; this could be the key to everything you’ve ever dreamt of and more.

3)      What’s wrong with me?

Or not. You’re dragged straight back down to earth with a soul crushing ‘No matches’ notification. What’s going so wrong for you? Is it that pesky flash that’s made you look nose-less and sort of intergalactic? Those Facebook pages you liked in year seven coming back to haunt you? Your head does look kind of like a moon. Time for a profile revamp.

 

Too intergalactic?

4)      Delete

Still nothing. In a moment of pure, unadulterated rage you delete the app, slam your phone down and curse to the Tinder Gods. It’s obviously broken. You’re done with this; move on.

5)      Drastically Lower Standards

Before you know it, your mind begins to wander along a very dangerous path. You’d come this far after all, and who knows what gems may be lurking in those dark, forsaken corners of Tinder?

You find yourself re-installing, and with a heavy heart you accept it’s time to drastically re asses your standards. What age cap is acceptable without bordering on sugardaddy?

6)      Find Someone you know

Once again you have the tinder world at your feet. You’re eagerly making your way through today’s bachelor offerings when without warning, you’re plunged into a serious social crisis; stumbling upon someone you know.

What’s more awkward, swiping left and deeply offending them, or swiping right and completely changing the tone of a friendship? Reinstall. Again.

7)      Real Match

Finally. An actual match with an actual semi attractive human being. Relief floods through you and you dream of what could be; online flanter one day, fairytale wedding the next?

8)      Google ice breakers

Four hours later and not so much as a pleasant “hello” has been exchanged. Did he mean to swipe right? Was it a tragic accident? Did he realise your face looks like a moon? You’re going to have to make the first move.

Palms sweaty with apprehension and nausea building, you place your faith in Google and pray that together, you can pull this off.

9)      Real Date

You’ve made it. A real life date. You spend the best part of three days practicing how to be fabulous; how to laugh without snorting like a piglet and how to eat spaghetti without getting it in your hair. You can be anyone you want to be and you know this is going to be a success.

Going well?

10)   Start Again

Long and behold, you could have found more spark in a slab of damp wood. Do all Tinder dates leave you wanting to rip your skin off or was this a one off? You hate everything app-dating stands for but you tell yourself next time will be different…