The 9 stages of procrastination

Everyone passes their degree, right? So there’s no reason I can’t.


You’ve done it. You’ve cancelled plans with friends, telling  them sincerely that ‘we’ve just got so much work to do’. Yet we all know the sad reality; despite your cancelled plans and rejection of a social life, the most attention any work will get is a contemplative gaze followed by an apologetic, guilt‐ridden head‐turn of regret. 

But it’s okay, right? You’ll do it later when we’re ‘in the right frame of mind’, ‘in the zone’, when you’ve ‘actually got the motivation’. But while you haven’t, how exactly do you spend your precious time?

1. Napping:    

A very common student hobby. The original and most effective method of procrastination. Because when you’re sleeping, you’re not working. You’re not even thinking about working. Or feeling guilty about not working. Anyway, there’s no point studying with a tired mind; go ahead and indulge in a procastanap. 

Yes, the bear is wholly necessary.

2. Eating    

Similarly to the procrastanap, eating will provide you with energy. And you need energy to work effectively, so eating is allowed. Also a common distraction. Having sat down to start work it’s not unusual to think ‘I need to write this essay. I want to write this essay. But I want to make a sandwich even more’. It is not necessarily out of hunger, but more to fill the cold, empty void where your motivation should be.         

Top Tip: Eat with friends so you can discuss how little work you’re all doing.

3. Social Networks

So close, yet so far. You’re at the desk, you’re on the laptop. But it’s almost an automatic reaction, a reflex ‐ Facebook’s open, Twitter’s up. You’re not working on increasing your word count; rather working on how to describe how shamefully unproductive you’ve been in just 140 characters.

What am I even doing?

4. Facebook Surfing

It’s happened. You’ve got too into it. Something that can only be described as Facebook Surfing. It started just innocently flicking through your best friend’s photos, then you’re Facebook‐stalking her flatmate, then her flatmate’s boyfriend, then her flatmate’s boyfriend’s cousin and before you know it, you’ve found someone you went to school with. Immediately followed by a desperate search for justification ‘you know, it could be worse, at least I’m doing something with my life. Maybe not right now, but still…’

The only place to be on Facebook…

5. Distracting Others 

‘Hey, are you working? Oh really? That’s so good. I haven’t done anything. Why don’t you take a break? I’m bored. Do you wanna watch TV? A film? Do you want a cup of tea? I haven’t got any biscuits though, shall we go to Tesco?’

No. They are working. You are not. If you happen to have particularly motivated, disciplined housemates this one will only make you feel worse about yourself.  

Look how many words I don’t have.

6. Cinema Sesh for one

You have failed at demotivating anyone else. You’ve eaten too many sandwiches and physically cannot nap a second longer. You know you should start that assessment, or at least revise. But Netflix is calling. And you have been meaning to start that series for ages…just a few episodes…

DVDs are so retro, we should totes try one out.

7. Deep Clean

You have done nothing all day. Chances are you haven’t even left the house; you’ve just festered happily in your own dirt doing sweet nothing. Man, maybe you should start keeping your room more tidy. When was the last time you cleaned it? Ages ago. Do it now. The kitchen’s a state as well. And the bathroom. Why is the cutlery draw looking so unorganised? That’s important. You should fix it.

Clean kitchen, clean mind…

8. Existential Crisis

You have done nothing with your sorry life or at least twelve solid hours. What’s the point? You have wasted an entire day, making no difference to the world or yourself. You are going to fail. You are a fail. Why?

Why?

9. Sleep on it ‐ tomorrow is another day

Y’know, you shouldn’t let work get you down so much. True success is happiness; that sandwich made you happy; that nice, tidy cutlery draw makes you happy. Life’s not that bad. Don’t stress. You’ve probably got an hour or two to just look over some notes now. Or you could just make a cuppa and go to bed, make sure your well rested for all the work you’re absolutely, 100%  going to do tomorrow.

A terrible morning reminder.