5 People You Don’t Want To Be In A Lecture

1)  The Walking Apple Ad

The laptop is no longer; in come a whole new breed of walking Apple ads.

Now there’s no question iPad’s are a clear step up from laptops in terms of initial offensiveness; considerably more discrete, with a delightful touch screen solving loud typing troubles.

Yet what purpose do they truly serve, other than to distract not only the student but those around them?

Maintaining an even near satisfactory level of concentration is challenge enough in a lecture without the rise and fall of Flappy Bird in the corner of your eye.

The iStudent.

2) Gym Monkey

This character positively sprints into the building over their invisible carpet of self satisfaction; blazoned with bicep exposing lycra, protein shake in hand and a trademark flick of a well coiffed fringe.

Never complete without the obscene smell of sweat and/or Linx Africa and an equally as obscene sports bag; often larger in size than a considerable number of the students in the lecture and providing a constant, painful battle to manoeuvre around.

WHY HAVE YOU GOT SUCH A MASSIVE BAG FOR YOUR CLOTHES?

3)  Hungover

There’s always the one trooper that manages to scrape themselves out of bed and into uni while either still visibly intoxicated or worse, sweating like a wildebeest and on the brink of a very public projectile vomit.

What are you going to learn exactly when you crawl in 20 minutes late in a flustered mess, drop a coffee down yourself and then proceed to promptly fall asleep across a pull out desk?

The commitment to study is admirable but this isn’t a pleasant display for anyone; go back to bed, have some toast and get the PowerPoint online.

I’m gonna vomit. Am I gonna vomit? Ok, yes.

4)  The Hand Raiser

Active participation in a lecture is all well and good when it’s relevant, appropriate and invited; but the constant and determined hand raising of that token obnoxious individual at the front is something every lecture hall could do without.

You’d think half a semesters worth of knowledge on a topic is a small amount compared to that of a qualified professor with years of experience under their belt; yet some people continue to insist on minutely interruptions to share their unwarranted opinion, contest a statistic or correct a misplaced semi colon.

AHA!

5)      Back Row

Spotted entering in large swarms complete with matching team merchandise and obvious “banter”; they’ll shed blood, sweat and tears to launch themselves up those stairs everyday to secure the prime back row seat.

Contrary to popular belief, university hierarchy does not revolve around that of a primary school bus, nor does the whole lecture theatre want to hear about tonight’s pre drink arrangements or the 7/10 they’re texting.

MUST. PROCURE. BACK ROW. SEAT.