7 steps to being a terrible landlord

Robyn Lewes gives a few tips on how to be a nightmare landlord.


Planning on becoming a landlord? In it entirely for the money? Haven’t given a second glance to the legalities surrounding your job? You’re on your way but here are a few more pointers:

Professionalism is key

Ensure the rooms pictured on your website hugely over sell what is actually in the house.

For the love of god don’t let them realise the room has the dimensions of a wardrobe. What? No, of course they still won’t realise once they go around for a viewing.

Over charge for rent.

Over charge for the “admin fee”. Over charge for call-outs. Write out an extensive detailed list of what counts as a call-out. Scrupulous will be an understatement once you’re through naming all the possible situations that will land more money in your pocket.

Downplay any and all damage to the building.

Bathroom wall falling down? Damp that’s making all the tenants ill? Vermin problem? Mould around all the windows? It’s nothing. It adds character! It really doesn’t warrant further inspection, definitely not further action. You found a urine stain on the underside of your mattress? How did that get past us… No more emails please.

What that? No it’s just crazy paving…

Never return a full deposit without quibbling over imaginary damage and uncleanliness.

No matter how blatantly wrong you are, never give up until being threatened with a lengthy court battle. And yes, minor scuffs on the furniture and those supposed marks on the wall are definitely going to cost you a pretty penny and you need those pennies, right? You’re a poor, scraping-by landlord who just wants students to have a safe, warm home to return to after a hard day’s studying. Obviously.

Employ workmen who turn up when they want;

Walking in unannounced, making excessive noise, leaving skidmarks in the toilet and leaving the door unlocked when they leave. Sure, they wouldn’t do that in anyone else’s house, but it’s not a real home; it’s student housing!

But its nice to have someone to come home to, no?

The customer may always be right, but the tenant is always to blame.

NEVER accept blame until backed into a corner so tight even the family of mice that moved into the accommodation couldn’t squeeze past you.

Go on holiday frequently and at the most inconvenient of times.

**AUTOMATED MESSAGE** I am currently out of the office but will be back on *insert date/whenever I feel like putting up with my responsibilities as a landlord again*. For the time being, please contact one of my equally feckless employees. Although, don’t bother unless it’s urgent e.g. the Carbon Monoxide alarm is going off. And even then they will probably just come to turn it off and tell you to go back inside. Ciao!