Club videos: the new plague of nightlife

We’re all guilty of a club photo. Sober, we all convince ourselves we’re above them, but 3 jagerbombs down and you’ll be chasing after that poor camera man. Club photos will always serve a great purpose; they allow those VIP ballers to let us all know they drink Grey Goose and the rest of us to pose happily with our inflatable props.

An unfortunate incident in an unnamed club last week has drawn my attention to the growing popularity of club videos, and the even more growing need for them to stop.

It’s not a brush I’d usually tar myself with but last week, in a bubble of post-exams euphoria, I did in fact attempt to pose for a picture with my two friends in the club. We were that thrilled to be there, the eight second flash didn’t even appear strange; just keep grinning and preening our hair we told ourselves. Clearly it was too dark for me to spot the malice in the camera man’s eyes; 3 days later we appeared on You Tube looking as ridiculous as you’d expect. Learn from my mistake.

A notorious example is the famous Plug marriage proposal; 14 seconds of brutal, stunned silence from  the girl as the young man gets down on one knee in the photo booth. Eventually  he walks off head in hands as she stands, bewildered, clutching onto her £1.80 double in a plastic cup. Dont. Do. It.

An even worse breed of club video is the exploitation of drunken students provoked by a wannabe tv presenter with all the charisma of a dead squid. Yes, I am referring to Corp TV; the weekly videos that make Corp’s notorious ‘Skool Disco’ night even tackier than it already is.

In one ten minute clip you can watch all forms of life; people licking the camera, inebriated girls swinging their shirts around, boys doing press ups to try and impress said inebriated girls. Classic cases of the club being mistaken for a gym and/or a strip club. You may as well sign away your dignity the minute you holler at that camera.

“I thought them titties were gonna fall out!”, “You nailed her yeah?” and “Go and find some girls you dirty dog” are just some of the inspiring and thoughtful quotes from ‘Danny’ the presenter.

Danny, my skin is crawling. Leering at girls, engaging in shit chat and encouraging people to get with each other is not going to make you the face of Corp, or whatever it is you’re trying to achieve.

I’d advise you to swap your mind numbing, sleazy approach for one more thought provoking and relevant; think more Syria and Sochi than sex and school girls. Feel free to take some tips from Boozenight, Dan.

If you want to wake up and spot yourself stumbling around, dribbling quadvods down yourself and preaching that you’re “famous” now you’ve made it on Corp TV, then by all means be that person. But as far as I’m concerned; what goes on in the club should stay in the club.