IC you, baby: 5 people you’ll see in the IC

1. The IC ASBO

Even the strongest of work ethics can be destroyed in a matter of seconds at the first sign of inappropriate behaviour. The perpetrators can be observed living on all floors of the IC, often tucking into a tuna salad, or an egg mayo sandwich, or some other controversial, Tupperware-based foodstuff.

Such pungently thoughtless conduct is often teamed with other offences – the inability to keep shoes on being a big IC pet hate. There is only one thing worse than struggling through a gruelling essay on deadline day, and that’s having to view someone’s gammy feet as you’re doing so.

Just weird.

Sometimes they even touch one of their bare feet, either subconsciously stroking it or picking out bits of fluff while concentrating. Not appropriate.

Until the IC rules against this and exiles all perpetrators to Western Bank, please isolate yourself from any public study spaces in Sheffield if you recognize any of this behaviour as your own.

2. The Male Predator(s)

Nobody frequents Level 1 of the IC with the honest intention of a serious study sesh. It’s loud, busy, and boisterous; a wasteland of underachievement in the eyes of academia.

Level 1 serves more as an observatory than a functioning computer room. Notice the flocks of males positioned tactically towards the stairs, heads popping up like meerkats and eyes rolling onto the floor as they observe unsuspecting females on their travels.

More often than not they come in pairs and can usually be seen pointing at their targets, grinning sinisterly, and exchanging feedback between themselves. Perhaps inputting ratings of said females into an Excel document – who knows? Boys, it’s not okay and we’re onto you.

3. The Silent Study Insurgent

It’s amazing that people manage to secure good A-levels and get into a Russell Group university but still cannot grasp the concept of a Silent Study Space.

The silent area is the only safe haven from Endcliffe, where your hard work is often interrupted by Pitbull’s dulcet beats shaking the ceiling at the crack of dawn, or a 3 a.m. drunken meltdown from your flatmates. Every regular Silent Study visitor understands the unwritten code of conduct that maintains this treasured sanctuary; yet it would seem some people just haven’t received the memo.

Let’s enlighten you culprits to a few golden rules:

1. Soft foods only – certainly no biscuits, rice cakes, or other crunchy snacks.

2. Carefully assemble your outfit in the morning to ensure minimum rustling; light, baggy, jersey-based clothing being the preferred attire.

3. Walk slowly. Like you’re at a funeral.

4. Adjust your breathing rate to no more than 4 breaths per minute. The average is 12. Get practising.

5. Do not attend Silent Study if suffering from a cough, sniffle, hay fever, or any other respiratory difficulty.

Nobody said it was easy. If you don’t think you can follow these guidelines then please make your way back down to the aforementioned Level 1 where you belong.

4. The Library Veteran

Potentially as distracting as the Silent Study Insurgent is the person who walks back and forth past a dozen available PCs trying to secure the most desirable workspace.

What are you mulling over exactly? Air quality? The angle of sunlight on the desk? Distance from the intercom?

They can be seen either pottering around aimlessly in a confused bubble or, my favourite, the die-hard IC lovers marching furiously down the aisles to get to their preferred spot.

On a recent trip to the IC the sweat beads could quite literally be seen dripping off a girl’s face as she broke into a light jog down Glossop Road in an attempt to secure a PC.

They will stop at nothing…

The harsh glares she threw back serve as a cruel reminder of the dog-eat-dog world that is the IC. Let this be a lesson to you all: all academic solidarity is lost come exam season. These people will stop at nothing to guard their favourite desk; it’s every student for him-or-herself.

5. The Meltdown

Whilst in the midst of exams and deadlines, we all quickly separate into two clear categories; those who cope and those who crumble. The latter of which seen regularly descending into very public, very unnecessary breakdowns, with tantrums and tears taking place on all 6 levels of the IC.

We’re all stressed and we’re all struggling, but if the majority of us can maintain composure in such grave times then please refrain from smacking your head repeatedly with a pencil case, whining under your breath and/or knocking your fists together until they bleed. Don’t be that person.

Instead why not divert this energy into solving whatever academic battles you may be facing and perhaps adopting a less over-dramatic work ethic?

One that doesn’t involve increasing the stress levels of others and instead works towards the most important foundation of Sheffield life; the greater good of the IC.