NanDOs and NanDON’Ts

Laura Levin lays down the law about how to behave at that chicken place on West Street.


Nando’s: the number one choice for first dates. And the number two choice for food when you can’t be arsed to cook and all of your Freshers’ Fair Dominoes vouchers are out of date. This is The Tab’s guide to the dos and don’ts of everyone’s favourite chicken coop.

1. NanDO remember your ever so valuable Nando’s loyalty card before you visit

Being a student, having money is always a tricky business and so any free quarter, half or whole chicken is certainly a money saver and an excellent way to bag a free dinner!

PERi-PERi handy

2. NanDO always say yes when asked by the waiter/waitress upon entry ‘Have you ever been to Nando’s before?’

Also, whilst we are on the topic of staff, I would like to focus on a very key question which has puzzled me for quite some time now. WHAT IS THE ACTUAL PURPOSE OF THE WAITING STAFF AT NANDO’S? Customers seat themselves, place their own orders, set their own tables, pour their own drinks, and serve their own condiments. What the FUCK are the waiters paid to do?

Pointless

3. NanDON’T pay for a refillable drink from the machine

Why pay for a Diet Coke or Fanta when you can order water, free of charge, and accidentally refill your glass with a more flavoursome drink when a previously stated POINTLESS member of staff is not looking. #Student #Save #DontBlameTheTabIfYouDoThisAndGetCaughtBecauseItIsStillStealing

4. NanDON’T look like a pussy

This NanDON’T is addressed to all you lads taking your girl on a first date. If you’re sat staring lovingly into the eyes of a girl you’re seeking to impress, you can wave goodbye to date number two if your chicken arrives with a ‘lemon and herb’ flag poking out of it. Or, even worse, no flag at all, as you have opted for the ‘plain chicken’ approach. A girl needs to know that, if you can handle your spice, you can handle anything. So man up and order ‘flaming hot’.

I’m in the mood

5. NanDO play the popular game of ‘First Date, Second Date … Couple!’

This is a simple game to occupy you whilst you wait a whole five minutes for your cold and over-cooked chicken to arrive. Simply browse the restaurant, observing couples and aiming to identify their status.

First Daters – flowing conversation, both parties appearing pretty happy in each other’s company, smiles all round, and a ‘flaming hot’ flag poking out of the male member’s chicken

Second Daters – flowing conversation, maybe even a cheeky Nando’s two-person selfie and a sneaky Snapchat of their meal

Couples – deathly silence, neither member conversing with the other, the girl on her phone bitching to friends about the fact that they are in Nando’s AGAIN for their anniversary, the boy staring into space thinking about what formation to play on FIFA when he gets home … Man Eat Meat … Man Play FIFA … Man Issue Apology Due To Lack Of Practice Because Of Nando’s Commitments …

A couple of couples

So guys, I hope you bear these NanDOs and NanDON’Ts in mind the next time you find yourself wanting fast food in style. Oh and, by the way, if anyone finds out what the fuck PERi-PERi actually is, you have far too much time on your hands.