The Tab’s guide to Western Bank

Go West … The Tab’s step-by-step guide tells you what to do and what not to do in Western Bank.

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(Go West) Life is peaceful there ...

(Go West) Life is peaceful there …

1. Entry:

The automatic doors open quite slowly. But they work as normal doors too. If you’re in a rush to get the last copy of That Book That Everyone On Your Course Needs, or you just can’t wait to escape into the blustery invigoration of the wind tunnel, don’t be afraid to use the handles.

2. Scanning in:

As mentioned in The Tab’s guide to the IC, you should scan in like this for single-swipe entry:

We just wanted another excuse to use this.

Tilt your UCard towards you at angle between 30 and 35 degrees and pass it over the reader leaving a 2-3 mm gap. It’s almost as revolutionary as the turnstiles.

3. Finding a seat:

At busy times, the Reading Room balcony is the perfect spot from which to survey the studious savannah, and to eye up spare seats like some sort of scholarly Simba.

‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’

During the exam period, if you have a favourite spot, you will see the same people every day. Make awkward eye contact but never speak to them. You’ll just embarrass yourself. It’s better this way.

4. Typing:

There’s no need to furiously bash your laptop keys. You’re writing an essay, not playing Rachmaninoff.

5. Moving around:

Go quietly. Western Bank is a monastery, dedicated to the peaceful pursuit of academia. Its hallowed dungeons echo the stillness of its musty shelves and the sound of silence reverberates in the ears of the erudite.

Stairs

The Restricted Section

So don’t fucking clomp around on the mezzanines. Everybody knows you’re here; nobody gives a shit.

6. Using your phone:

Don’t answer it in the Reading Room. It’s a room for reading, not talking. You’re not Dom Joly.

And, if you must keep your phone on the desk, put it on silent, not vibrate. Or at least put it on a dense book or something. Its incessant buzzing is both startling and a constant reminder of how unpopular I am.

What else would you use a book for?

7. Eating:

If you want to eat crisps at your desk, let them soak on your tongue for a bit to minimise crunch. They’ll last longer and you’ll get fewer looks of disdain. Skips are particularly great for this.

Skips are silent, making you 50% less saturated twat.

8. Listening to music:

Turn it down a bit. You’re using headphones, but I can still hear every word of that Natasha Bedingfield album. Unfortunately, Natasha, these words aren’t your own. They’re everybody’s who’s had the misfortune of sitting next to Captain Cochlear Implant.

9. Charging up:

Be considerate. Sockets are few and far between, and I can see that you’re full cos that little light on the side of your laptop has changed colour. Don’t be a battery despot; let someone else be in charge for a bit.

I know it’s fully charged. Don’t be a mug; unplug.

10. Communicating with other people:

Use hand gestures and purposeful stares. Silence is golden.

Level 2

During the exam period, Levels 2, 3 and 4 are Silent Study Spaces. At all other times of the year, they are implied Silent Study Spaces. Sit down, shut up, and do some work.

You’re not in the IC anymore.