How to fit in at the gym

It’s that time of year. Freshers’ Week is a distant memory. As is the last time you walked up a hill without needing a break halfway.

Booze and takeaways have taken their toll, meaning that you can’t put it off any longer: the gym.

It can be a scary and intimidating place, so here are a few things you need to remember to fit right in.

What your gym clothes say about you

This is simple: either you’re decked out like a mannequin from a Nike store window or you’re rocking some old trainers and a bar crawl T-shirt.

If it’s the former, you’d better be working hard because people expect big things from you.

If it’s the latter, have a break, those stairs up to the door were bloody tough …

Use of mirrors

Crucial. Weight is most lost and muscle most gained by staring into a mirror during a workout.

Also, no workout is complete until you’ve caught a sneaky glimpse of your new toned self in those mirrors on the right before the exit – you know you do it already.

Eyeing up the competition

Yes, logically people at the gym will be in better-than-average shape, and yes, people wear tight fitting clothes.

But try not to stare at members of the opposite sex.

Leering while doing sit-ups is not a good look. And if you absolutely must then at least try to hide it a bit. It’s just good manners.

Similarly, when you try to see how far the person on the treadmill next to you has already run, be subtle about it.

Chances are they’ve run further than you, and if they see you looking they’ll think you’re judging. Which you are.

Bulking up – real weight gaining secrets

1. Vests – Vests make you stronger. Everybody knows this. They provide the ventilation you could only dream of in a T-shirt. And they let the honeys see what you’re packing. Yeah … they always ignore you when they’re impressed …
2. Grunting – Whether it’s your hundredth squat or you’re opening the door to get in: grunting is key. It shows everybody how hardcore your workouts are. And people are certainly impressed by how into your weights you get.
3. Gloves – Gloves truly separate the men from the skinny: they are the ultimate sign that you understand how to operate complex weights. You ain’t no kind of man if you don’t have gloves.
4. Smiling – Just no. You’re all there because you aren’t big enough. You can smile once you’re bigger. Smiling wastes energy that could be spent getting bigger.
5. Acceptable conversation topics known to boost strength and gains – Protein, girls, protein, football, fights, protein, and ‘Sorry mate, how many sets do you have left?’