The Hole Story

Why is there a fuck-off massive hole on Northumberland Road? The Tab tells all.


Hole-y moly would you look at that! It’s a question that’s been entrenched into the minds of gym and seminar goers for years: What is with the big hole on Northumberland Road?

Tom, Matt and I headed down to…ahem…get the dirt on the (w)hole thing.

Big hole

 

Firstly, The Tab has done a little digging and found the background info. The site used to be owned by British Glass who put the site up for sale back in 2001. It was promptly bought by a Sheffield trained, former world champion boxer, Prince Naseem, known affectionately as Naz (Probably a bad idea to call him Princey).

Following a twelve round bout with the University that ended in 2004, Naz emerged victorious with permission to begin building flats on the plot.

How many holes would you like, Naz?

 

However, in 2005 Naz was in a 90mph car collision which left another driver with fractures to every major bone in his body. Naz was jailed in 2006, but served less than four months of his fifteen month sentence.

Naz sold the plot, which has since changed hands a number of times. Sometime mid-2008 the hole appeared. Some Sheffield residents claim over the internet that it was a UFO; the more outlandish believe it was a lady’s fart.

Object The Tab believes to be a potato

 

The most feasible explanation is that Velocity Group bought the plot, and dug The Hole without the permission of the council as part of a scam run by two of its bosses. Since then numerous applications have been put to the council for The Hole to be turned into a car park for the nearby hospitals, all of which have been turned down after objections from residents. The most recent was submitted in October last year, and withdrawn last February.

So, what’s there now?

We entered with no small amount of trepidation, word on the forums being that ‘chavscum’ had made it their home. Fortunately, the ‘chavscum’ were out, but what we did find was even more disturbing…

Strange

 

Firstly, potatoes. Casual potatoes at irregular intervals, with unknown purpose or origin. Second, a corner of gloves. Presumably a throwback to when the plot was owned by British Glass, the gloves remain like some obscure clue to a crime, Guardians of The Hole.

Where’s pooh? Not in the hole

Thirdly, and perhaps most chillingly, an Eeyore toy. Stained with years of abandonment and gunk, this solitary, cuddly figure stares out mournfully towards the gate, dreaming of the day his velcro paws will be wrapped around a child’s hand once more.

Finally, a pair of polka-dot knickers. Any hole puns you’re making now are entirely down to you.