Every boy you’ll find on Tinder in Egham
You know one or you are one
After months of swiping, I’ve collated the foolproof guide to every single boy you will find on tinder – 100% scientific and not at all based on limited experience and personal bias.
Graduated two years ago but his main pic is of him standing outside founders, peaked in second year and misses picking up 18 year olds and not offering to split the bill.
"Looking for a lift partner" is in his bio. He’ll treat you to a date in the uni gym and he's sexually attracted to the smell of fake tan. All that’s required is £200 worth of Gymshark leggings and he might pay for your locker charge.
The "Oh shit I forgot to put my age range up and I’ve swiped right on a guy from the sixth form college down the road" guy, basically. One day you’ll see him sucking on a filter outside Tesco’s with a disturbing choice of a meal deal. But at least he's too young for you to ever bump into him at uni.
Smoking weed is his only discernible talent/hobby, positives include no effort needed for booty calls – he’s dialled up his dealer instead.
He wasn't able to take an arts course at uni because daddy’s law firm wouldn't accept it as a degree and it has suitably damaged his usual dating roster. Half his bank account is blown on black coffee and Mac Demarco tickets, and he basically "lives" in central. You’ll have forgettable sex mid semester and wake up next to his pulp fiction poster.
The mummy's boy invites you for Two for Tuesday but turns up late because he couldn’t figure out how to do a washload, which inevitably contains the only two pairs of chinos he owns.
Too good to be true
It’s all looking too good to be true. He hasn’t asked for pictures of your feet (yet), seems to have genuine interests, you’re psyching yourself up to meet – it's all going swimmingly. Then you realise he's fucking his ex. Every three months they’ll go on a break, he’ll put Drake lyrics on his story and consecutively like 12 of your Insta pics. Like clockwork.
Shout-out to the not forgotten but self explanatory categories of E-Boy, Juul lad, wannabe roadman, actual roadman, and future George Bush. To all the women looking for love and/or validation- keep swiping, you might discover a drake b side that'll change your life.