How to eat crisps silently in the library: A Tab guide
You think that we can’t hear you, but we can
So, picture this: you're sat in the library, working your way through a stack of journals. You're trying to concentrate, you really are, but you just can't. Maybe you're tired, maybe you're hungry, or maybe the person sat right next to you is eating a bag of crisps.
I know, I know, it sounds petty. Thing is, if you're set on committing this vile act of hindrance, you should at least go about doing so in a way which lessens the damage done to fellow library-goers.
How? you might ask. Well, that's a secret, and in order to find out, you'll have to grab a copy of The Tab's Guide to Eating Noisy Crisps (RRP £16.99)
We're only kidding.
So, how to go about eating a bag of crisps without making a sound:
Use a study room
First, before considering the plan laid out below, find out whether or not your university has bookable study rooms. Not only will this save you a lot of effort, but most university study rooms are soundproofed, meaning you'll be able to nosh on your crisps as loud as you like.
Open the bag silently
To open the bag properly, use a pair of sharp scissors to cut off the top of the bag. Do so slowly and gently. Then make two cuts down through the sides of the packet. By doing this, you will have effectively constructed a flap, which can be pulled back to reveal the pile of oily goodness.
Extract the crisp properly
We don't stop here, though. Using a pair of tweezers, carefully navigate your way to an individual crisp, gripping it gently on arrival. It's very important that you don't overdo the gripping part. This could lead to crisp breakages or, even worse, spillages.
Yippee! I've done it! you might say. Well, no, you haven't. One critical task remains — you must consume the crisp with utmost precision. Precision with which only the likes of Kim Jong-un and his nuclear weapons are capable of.
How to eat the crisp
Place the crisp on the tip of your tongue, then use your tongue to move the crisp to the back of your mouth. Don't bite just yet. First, close your lips. Then, as you prepare to devour such a delicacy, give thanks to the legend that is The Potato. And, finally, press down on the crisp. An uncomfortable, yet thrilling sense of ecstasy may shoot up your spine. Do not be alarmed.
Now you should be well on your way to becoming a model citizen.