How to do a week-long VK cleanse

Put away your NutriBullet


Fed up of that turkey belly you gained over the Christmas period? Do you feel like you need to wash yourself clean? Well, say hello to the humble VK. This sweet nectar has long been the main source of nutrients, super human powers and fruity goodness for students across the country.

But have you ever considered doing the VK detox? Self-proclaimed health experts, Amber Lickerish and Amy Habib, have trialled the latest fashionable detox for you before it hits Instagram. With a week-long experimentation of the so called ‘VK cleanse’, here’s the steps to a sensation-filled diet.

Bracing ourselves

The VK detox is part of an easy to follow six step programme, that will fit nicely into your social schedule.

Step one

Find yourself a buddy, they will support you through each step of the plan and be the wibble to your VK wobbles. We would advise you choose someone who you are close to, perhaps that new Tinder match or maybe even the girl who gave you a tampon in the medicine toilets that time.

Step two

Once you have secured your detox buddy, it is time to gather supplies. Unfortunately at time of writing the VK delivery service is available exclusively to bar managers. Nevertheless, if you have chosen your partner well they will take it upon themselves to frequent the VK bar and deliver the nectar directly to your door. T

he suggested dosage is equivalent to the VK claw – the best way to work out your personal dosage is by testing how many VKs you can carry at once. If you cannot carry them, you do not deserve them. We also highly recommend, in order to boost the speed at which you see the effects, that you begin your cleanse with a bottle of Straw Hat wine. This will help to ready your body for the detox to come.

Step three

As the VK works its magic through your system you will begin to experience god-like qualities. These symptoms can include: the ability to sing any Pitbull song with a totally convincing Spanish accent, sudden attractiveness and prowess to entice (almost) any person of your fancy, and dance skills that could give Jason Derulo a run for his money. All this physical activity contributes greatly to the shaping of your new figure.

Imagine, you’ll be rubber ring ready in no time.

Step four

What goes up, must come down. Just like the infamous Caltine bars of Mean Girls, with the VK detox you have to gain before you “drop ten pounds like that”. Now that the VK is securely in your system, the real detox begins. Some may experience extreme nausea – with vomiting and sweatiness bringing an end to the night’s workout.

Others choose the ‘drunken wanderer’ approach, developing a new love for cross country expeditions around Englefield Green, or even taking a dip in the Founder’s pond (a surefire way of inducing step six more speedily – see below).

Once you have found your bed/a bed/any welcome resting place, the relaxation stage of the VK cleanse begins. Most will find they are able to fall asleep in record speed. This rest is essential preparation for the day which follows.

Step five

Awoken by what are endearingly termed ‘the VK shakes’, you are now well on your way to completing the cleanse. The vigorous shaking of your limbs acts in the same way as a Slendertone or wobble board might, forcefully shaking out any remaining toxins. As well as this the real detox will start – long and frequent trips to the bathroom. Warning: toxins may leave from either end of your body.

Step six

This step is perhaps the highlight of the cleanse. You are now able to consume any food of your choosing. We highly recommend Runnymede chicken and ribs for a good balance of protein and carbs, but Dominos offer a nice tomato salad, with a base of croutons and topped with a little cheese. Due to your frequent visits to the littlest room, as well as constant shaking, these meals can be accounted as calorie free.

After a week filled with VK shakes and toilet trips, we both concluded that our insides were thoroughly cleansed. With Toast,  SU Wednesday and Friday on the calendar for the rest of the term, and these steps firmly in place one can expect fantastic results.

Disclaimer: We do it, but do not endorse drinking culture. This also isn’t a real diet.