How to blend in at the Royal Holloway Students’ Union

The SU is a strange and often confusing land. No doubt it’s probably the location where your fondest and worst university memories took place, but it’s the closest thing we have to a nightclub without going to Windsor (and lets face it- we’re all too broke/lazy/drunk for that most of the time). So I offer this: a few pointers on surviving.

Every face is this photo is a different way your night could go

The Drinks

If you attempt to purchase a drink at the main bar – good luck to you, you brave soldier – you’re about to encounter one of the most vicious battles around. I could devote the rest of the article to moaning about the bar “queue” battle royale but instead I offer this advice: arrive with cash and drink VK’s. I know what you’re thinking- “I have standards/morals/want a drink that doesn’t scream ’14 year old at a house party’ and isn’t pure sugar”; but in defence of those vodka-infused melted popsicles, without them I’d spend most my night at the bar ironically sobering up. So when you feel the thirst, head to the back of the dancefloor and I’ll see you rocking the VK claw.

True bonding.

The Dancing

Okay ‘How to Dance at The SU’ could be a novel and movie deal in it’s own right – but a great simple rule is no dancing is too bad for this floor, only too unenthusiastic. The majority of the girls drop in ways that would make Snoop Dogg proud (myself unashamedly included) and a majority of the guys either look like they’re having a bad trip and maybe they are who knows? Or, they stand in the dark corners looking as smug  (and nearly as creepy) as Donald Trump at the Miss Universe Pageant.

RoHo’s music is a lot like its geographical location – London, but not quite. The DJ may play grime music but we don’t look good getting down to it. So feel free to bust some awful shapes when the Fester Skank comes on because few people here know what the moves are anyway.

Name this move

Fashion

All the various looks of this university follow one rule: the more effort you make = the less time you’ve been here. In first year I, too, beat my face to the heavens and wore bodycon dresses, but now changing my top from the one I wore earlier to lectures and reapplying my lipstick is deemed effort. Go dressed at either end of this scale, but if you’re wearing heels just be aware that people will probably assume you’re a fresher or a dude on the Rugby team.

For the guys, I asked my brother (as the premier voice on male opinion, obvs) and the main advice he gave was to wear a white t-shirt, as it really compliments your complexion as you smoke outside all night. If you do brave the dancefloor then you’ll be drenched in sweat, so avoid colours, and also wearing white can never be a bad look, right?

So to summarise the entire premise of this article: the generic look of this university for girls is “it cost a lot of Daddy’s money to look this cheap” or “I’m so under-dressed you can be grateful I’m wearing a bra”; for guys it’s either ‘rich euro-trash’ (you know what I mean) or the same t-shirt and jeans you wore to lectures.

Drinks wise: unless you’re not here to get drunk (lol), don’t go to the main bar, even if that means lowering yourself to VK’s (you love it really). And the most important rule? Get down.