People with their phones on loud are the worst

The Keyboard Clicks

Picture this: you’re on the train, in a queue, in class, just trying to have a rare quiet moment to yourself. Maybe you’re even staring pensively out the window at the rain and contemplating life. There’s nothing worse when *tic* *tic* there’s *tic* someone beside *tic* *tic* *tic* you with their *tic* phone on loud, and all you can hear is their fucking *tic* *tic* *tic* *tic* as they text.

You’d swear that they were texting with their index finger like your mum does, taking their sweet time over their 500 word essay text, probably chiding bae for some menial act or telling their friend yet another hoe story. But no, they are just texting normally in their group chat. It’s not even just one text, it’s five in a row, and they can’t decide which emoji to use so they keep *tic* pressing delete *tic*. No, Sarah, I don’t want to hear your texting. Just use a fucking monkey emoji and press send. I can even hear you over the mellow music I’m trying to listen to to drown out your incessant *tic*ing.

The Popular *Ping* Person

You’re trying to have a serious convo with your housemate, when their phone *pings* every 5 seconds on various group chats. The anger begins to build within you, “It’s not that irritating,” you try to tell yourself. Their constant *ping*ing is interrupting your conversation, and they even have the audacity to have a sneaky look under the pretence of ‘checking the time’, except it’s not sneaky and you both know it because you all just heard the last ten *ping*s. And that whistle text sound?! Dear Lord. Is it a bird? No. Is it the most hated person on the planet in that second? Maybe.

The Unapologetic Wankers

Why is it always the people who don’t know what the silent button does whose phones are the ones that go off in the middle of lectures, or in the fucking library? It’s not hard to flick that switch and we’d all hate you a lot less if you did. Their faces never blossom red, nor do they mumble a bashful, “Sorry.” They just smugly turn the sound off, but we all know they are those god awful people who don’t deserve to own a phone. You look over, your expression delivering a sharp and simple, “You’re a cunt, mate.”

Grinning away with your keyboard clicks and your pinging

Vibrate is not as good as silent, and you know it

Don’t think you can mug us off with the vibrate setting, either. The library desk still vibrates every time Joel sitting 3 seats down the row gets a text from his mum and we’re all fucked off with him for it. Not only does it disturb our dutiful procrastinating, but it makes us think that we all just got a text too. The entire row glances at our phones in a fleeting moment of hope, before returning gloomily to our laptops. We may not have any friends, but at least we can sleep peacefully in the knowledge that Joel can expect a salmon casserole when he goes home on Friday.