There’s no nice name for the vagina

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find a nice sounding word


How can it be that there’s no nice way to refer to the vagina? You either end up sounding like a giggling 10-year-old schoolgirl by calling it your “flower”, or you end up with something grim and quite cringy, like “the glory gap”.

Even vagina isn’t particularly a great word. Men get cock and penis. They are great words. Where’s our cock equivalent? After talking to people about this major issue, I realised just how many different euphemisms there were and yet, within the long list, not one of them was one I’d enjoy using when referring to my vagina.

My favourite, newly discovered term however is “the bearded clam”, but again, not a term I would go around using on a daily basis.

The standard names

Fanny, vag and fu are probably the most common. Fanny and fu don’t exactly scream maturity, and vag is a horrible word. It sounds like something the Rockport-wearing badmans at school would shout at you across the yard.

v

There must be something out there

The gross names

Then we have the words that produce an image of something painful and pretty damn gross, for example, gash or axe wound. I’ve yet to meet someone who hasn’t had a slight gagging reaction to the thought of someone genuinely calling a vagina an axe wound.

The animal references

The beaver and the “panty hamster” definitely aren’t great. I don’t know about you, but associating the vagina with a rodent doesn’t appeal. I think I’d fail to take anyone seriously who referred to it as a minge or a clunge. These two just bring up images of something dirty and dingy.

Actual hamster, cute. Calling a vagina a panty hamster, far less cute.

Actual hamster, cute. Calling a vagina a panty hamster, far less cute

My absolute least favourite name and the one that makes my skin crawl has got to be pussy, especially if it’s used “in the moment”, which has happened and will forever haunt me. You’re not in a porno mate, calm down. Calling it a pussy is in no way a turn on or sexy, it makes me want to sleep with you a little less if anything. I die a little inside when it’s said in any situation.

the only time pussy is acceptable is when it's joined with the word cat.

The only time pussy is acceptable is when it’s joined with the word cat

The offensive names

While being great insults (and I do enjoy both words), twat and cunt are in no way OK terms when referring to the vagina anymore. Fine, they originated as terms for vaginas, but now with the other meanings being found so offensive by a lot of people, I don’t think anyone would be happy to call it by either name.

I long to find a title for vagina that doesn’t sound long-winded and scientific, make me want to throw up a little, or make me want to wash out my ears and never hear the word again.

Someone, please, crown the vagina with the nicer title it deserves.