The definitive list of everyone in your lectures

Observing other people on your course is the most entertaining way to pass the time in those dull 9ams. We all have these people in our lectures, some are more infuriating than others.

The question asker

You drag out the last five minutes of the hour until we’ve all packed up and the next batch of students are pushing at the doors. You’ve got to learn when to call it quits, right now you are everyone’s nemesis.

The loner

You sit on your own every single day, content with your own company and leaving a chair between you and the annoying neighbouring friendship group. People can’t figure out if you’d like to make friends or not as you’re too intimidating to approach, especially with that resting bitch face.

The front row enthusiast

You take the brunt of it, shielding the rest of us from the wild gestures and flailing flecks of spit the lecturer dishes out in their moments of passion. Needless to say you’ve done extra extra reading and are the nominated person to answer their questions. Also, the lecturer really isn’t that funny, please stop laughing at all of their jokes.

The late person

We’ve all been here, in this state of sweaty deliberation as you approach the closed doors. Do you go in? Or do you just accept defeat and go home? When you enter everyone will stare at you and, if you’re unlucky, the lecturer will wait until you’ve sat down to carry on talking, you time-waster you. You can’t figure out whether it would be better to bow your head in shame or to just own it and sassily strut up to the back row with a hair flick and a shrug. It’s common ettiquette for the early people to leave a seat free at the end of the row, purely out of respect for you, and when they don’t it’s just plain rude.

The friendship group

You all picked the same modules just to be together and before every lecture will sit discussing your next Starbucks outing. Lectures are just another form of hanging out for you, collectively you always have more than enough energy than is required for this 9am. You guys really have your shit together and the rest of us envy you for it.

The ‘wtf is going on’ person

You haven’t done the reading and are just praying the lecturer won’t pick on you. All you want to do is sit back and listen, and maybe take a nap.

The drunkard

You won’t lie, you’re still on a major VK buzz from last night. Your friends went to bed while you kept your drinks flowing and the only thing you pulled was an all nighter. Your unchanged clothes still smell like spilt drinks and smoke, and your tongue retains a fluorescent shade of VK Blue. Everybody is looking at you, but you don’t care. You don’t even remember how you got here.

The hungover one

You hit those VKs a bit too hard last night and getting up this morning was a major regret of yours. This lecture was not worth the sobering trek onto campus, and you silently shed a tear as you think of your beloved Netflix waiting in bed for you at home.

The person who eats things

The only acceptable lecture crisps – scentless and crunchless

If it smells then we all hate you, if it looks delicious then we’ll also hate you. God forbid you should get out a packet of crisps or even commit to something as long term as a lunch box. If you want to piss people off then save it for Bedford, pal.

The back row bandits

it’s calm

You sit on the back row watching Netflix, doing other work or basically anything that means you don’t have to pay attention to this 9am. It’s not like you can hear anything anyway since the lecturer refuses to use the microphone.

The girls who don’t know how to whisper

EVERYBODY CAN HEAR ABOUT THE 4/10 YOU PULLED AT THE VK BAR LAST NIGHT. Worse, we are all silently judging you for it. Shame on us though, we just love hearing the gossip, and if you ever quietened down we’d be deeply saddened and suffer chronic FOMO – what happened in the end between you and VK bar guy?!