The best and worst types of house party

Everyone loves a house party: cheap drinks, good music, laughs, and (ultimately) you can stay at home, in the warm, and not have to be eyed up by bouncers. However, while some house parties are the shit, some are just shit.

The pre’s party

Let’s play ‘Drink a night’s worth of Alcohol in an hour!’

You’re so psyched for the club, and raring to get out there, but only have two hours to get ready before the guestlist closes. You drink all your vodka in two hours, get destroyed playing ring of fire and end up being sick near, in, and on the taxi before you even make it out of your street.

The fancy dress party

‘Oh, we just put this together this morning’

“Disney/Christmas/Halloween/Random theme party. Costume ESSENTIAL. You go to Tesco and buy some devil horns, thinking that’ll be enough, then you realise that half the Musical Theatre lot will be there, and they’ve been perfecting the Elsa voice since last year’s party. You arrive, realise you’ve stepped into the backstage of a panto, feel very inadequate, and come to the conclusion the only solution is all the Jaegermeister.

The posh party

‘I put more effort into this Croquembouche than my entire Degree.’

Black Tie, actual party food, and real glassware. They’ve gone all out to impress, except you can’t actually enjoy yourself because there’s no way to do shots out of wine glasses, you can’t spill anything, and no one really likes quiche.

The host flips out at you for dropping a canapé, then someone gets too rowdy and breaks a glass, and you all have to go home.

The rager

It’s just a “gathering, nothing too major”. Just a few friends turn into friends of friends, then literally anyone who is free on a Tuesday. Cut to two hours in and someone’s set fire to the bath, the carpet’s ripped to shreds, and you haven’t spoken to the host since they passed out on the couch. All you can think is that it’s lucky it’s not your deposit going up in flames (for once).

Someone actually set fire to a bath

The shit party

Is one of these eleven empty chairs free?

The biggest party you’ll ever throw turns out to have been scheduled on the same night as the biggest club night, and you end up playing Cards Against Humanity without the recommended minimum number of people and drinking all the eight bottles of wine you’d bought in readiness.

The black void party

‘Well, I didn’t turn up to the party with blonde hair, so it was a bit messy. Maybe.’

It might have been good? You remember getting there, and Chris was there, or was it George? They played Hotline Bling and then someone dared you to do 20 shots, and then it was two days later. Pretend it was the best party ever and pretend you didn’t lose your left shoe, you simply took it off for very valid (if unknown) reasons.

The singles party

It’s like a party in your mouth, and everyone’s making poor life choices

It’s not alcoholism. It’s just a party with myself. Don’t judge me.