The cringiest Valentine’s Day cards you can buy this year
The good, the bad, and the punbelievably bad
Valentine’s Day. A wonderful time of year for lovers, where we exchange meaningful gifts, romantic gestures and, above all, sweet cards that express how we really feel. However, it seems that these days a simple red-and-white heart with “I Love You!” written in curly writing is totally basic, and we need new edgy cards to show each other how we really feel.
While searching for just the right card for my true love, I found the strangest, cringiest and most niche cards out there, which I have collated into this handy guide to the perfect card for the perfect person.
I just hope that none of these people are you.
The ‘Fuckboy’ Card
It’s 3AM. You’ve spent Valentine’s Day alone, day-drinking, and eating all the leftover chocolate hearts you could find. Pop this card over to the person you know is still up and is definitely not going to be on a date, and you’ll be able to salvage something from the day.
Something other than your dignity, at any rate.
The ‘I-love-you-but-gross’ card
If bae’s decided to go all hipster and grow out their body hair, this card will be a polite (read: passive-aggressive) way to tell them that their new-found furriness is not so hip.
Pair it with the gift of razors, and it’s less passive.
The ‘Two-In-One’ Card
A card AND breakfast in bed? Jeez, don’t ask for much, do they? Save time (and money) by giving them this fun little card that is both.
“See? It’s funny, because it’s already Breakfast in Bed!” Get it? Wai-where are you going? Jane?”
The ‘Netflix and No’ Card
Forget love, hearts, or even emotion: all that’s important this Valentine’s Day is catching up on House of Cards and furtively fucking so your housemate’s can’t hear you over Kevin Spacey.
The ‘Accomplice’ Card
Show them they set your heart on fire. Just like that restaurant you were both at, innocently enjoying a romantic dinner, only last night.
Darling Alibi-I mean, Alex will love it.
The ‘Demanding Drunk’ Card
If you really want to get your point across, wire it so it plays “I like it better when we’re wasted” the moment they open it.
The ‘Onion-Lover’ Card
“Woolly Onions. Do you think that’s romantic?”
“Not just onions, shallots. They’re posh.”
“Oh right yeah. Posh Onions. Perfect.”
The ‘Mafioso’ Card
Open to interpretation, this card can be sent to both your lovers, and your enemies.
Pair it up with the Kiss of Death and you’ll be all set for the most tense Valentine’s meal ever.
The ‘Oedipal Complex’ Card
If you’re looking to spice up your love life, sign it “Love, Big Daddy” and give them a collar to match.
If you’re looking to end your love life, simply giving this card should be more than enough.
The ‘Cheapskate’ Card
No, you can’t have a McFlurry as well.
The ‘Punny’ Card
If you love romantic puns, call your lover “Tweet-heart” on twitter, or just want the perfect card for “Gal-entine’s Day”, this is for you.
You could also give them a hammer as a gift, while shouting “I WANT TO NAIL YOU!” at the top of your lungs, but giving someone half-crazed from puns a lethal weapon is a fairly reckless thing to do.
Happy Valentine’s Day!