Why Chelmsford is the best place to live

We love you, Burberry Man


Oh Chelmsford, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. In the middle of Essex, slightly to the right of Brentwood (of TOWIE fame), we have its quieter, but ultimately cooler little sister: Chelmsford. Chelmsford is the city of Essex (yes, a city! No one ever believes me but the Queen made it a city as part of her Diamond Jubilee) and it has everything you could ever need and more, making it in my opinion, the best place to live in the UK. Here’s why.

We were the capital of England for a bit

Chelmsford was once the capital of England for a few days when the seat of government was temporarily moved to the town 600 years ago. S U C K  I T.

Chelmsford BNOC’s

The lovely man who sits outside Starbucks every day with his giant wolf dogs. The trans-woman that wears a tutu and carries a real, sentient cat around her neck when shopping. And who could forget: Burberry Man. Does any other part of the world have a 40-year-old man dressed head to toe in Burberry who goes to student nights alone and listens to the stocks and shares in his headphones while DANCING IN THE CLUB? No. Because we’re the best.

It’s the birthplace of radio

Without Chelmsford, we wouldn’t have Capital to bop along to Bieber Bangerz on the Motorway. Chelmsford’s twinned with Backnang and Annonay, too. I only know these facts because they’re on every fucking sign.

It’s a 10 minute journey away from Sugar Hut

For when you want to have casual sex with Diags behind a McDonalds. You don’t have to actually be one of them from TOWIE land, but you can be a tourist there whenever you fancy. I got chatted up by Peter Andre’s brother and paid £12 for a tequila shot there: it’s truly a one-of-a-kind experience.

We’re near London so we have relatively cool stuff

We have one of those pubs with beer taps on the table, Chop Bloc, Bar & Beyond, Faces, and other fun gentrified shit the youth so enjoy. Who doesn’t love getting a flat pint just so you don’t have to queue at the bar? Essentially, we have loads of stuff you want to do once for the novelty and then fuck off back to your regular Wethers. Fabulous! And on the topic of Wethers…

There’s three Wetherspoons within walking distance in the town centre

It means you can go to Curry Club thrice in one day sans fear of judgment. I mean, no one sitting at midday, by choice, in a Wetherspoons has any right to judge you anyway, but yeah, you do you.

Only picture I could find that showed a bit of Chelmo town centre in it

Only picture I could find that showed a bit of Chelmo town centre in it

We have the best student night in Essex

Had, sorry. We had the best student night in Essex. And then Chicagos closed. RIP ‘Cagos, gone but never forgotten. We have Missoula and Evoke though: Missoula for when you fancy clubbing in an upmarket Lloyds, Evoke for when you’re drunk and the ICE BAR seems like a fun idea, until you remember it’s just a room with ice cube shaped furniture in it. It’s not even cold. Ffs.

Some D-Listers grew up here

Like Simon from The Inbetweeners, for example. And Harry Judd from McFly. Rat Boy’s also from here, whoever that is.

We have V Festival

V Festival is the perfect summer activity if you want to watch The Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Little Mix among all of your old classmate’s dads for the fourth year in a row. (However, Bieber’s playing 2016, so it could be the game-changer we’ve been waiting for).

Look at me, being 15 and fake tanned and enjoying warm rosé accompanied by the dulcet tones of Kate Nash

Look at me, being 15 and fake tanned and enjoying warm rosé while listening to the dulcet tones of Kate Nash

It’s the first place outside of London to have a Dunkin’ Donuts and a Taco Bell

And they’re directly opposite each other. Crucially: Taco Bell has an offer that, on Tuesdays, you get a taco and a beer for £2. Go to Taco Bell for mains and Dunkin’ Donuts for dessert. Or, go to Dunkin’ Donuts for mains and Taco Bell for dessert. Most of Chelmsford’s population is obese, nobody gives a fuck!

We have a sub par university

It’s Anglia Ruskin btw, just in case this article has made you want to switch uni courses and move here immediately.

We also have loads of other cool stuff, like multiple huge 24-hour McDonald’s and the second smallest cathedral in the world. I’m not saying visit Chelmsford. I’m not saying take a holiday here. I’m saying move here. Sell all your possessions and start a new life in the beautiful, bountiful city of Essex. It’s worth it, I promise.