The weirdest Christmas-themed products you can find in Egham

With Christmas fast approaching, the supermarkets of Britain are awash with festive products to fill you with wintry joy.

Some of them, like biscuit selections or mulled wine, are perfectly normal. Some of them, however, are not.

I took a trip to Tesco and Waitrose on the hunt for the strangest Christmas-based goods available. Here’s a selection of what I found, rated on their festiveness, weirdness, and gift-ability.

Tesco Clementine Spice Washing Up Liquid

Festiveness: 5/10

Christmas is all about one thing: mixing indiscriminate spices with citrus goods. Despite smelling like Tiny Tim’s cologne, the snowflake pattern should get you singing Bing Crosby as you do the dishes.

Weirdness: 3/10

Not so much weird as a bit tragic, but I guess giving your dishware a festive scent that isn’t burnt sprouts can only be a good thing.

Gift-ability: 2/10

Even though it is Limited Edition(!), giving washing-up liquid as a present gives a very specific, aggressive message. Proceed with caution.

Tesco Festive Onion Rings

Festiveness: 4/10

Nothing says Christmas tradition like a hedgehog ice-skating through a winter wonderland next to an enormous, overflowing mountain of onion rings. But look at the lil dude. So cute.

Weirdness: 7/10

Onion Rings and ice-skating hedgehogs. Do hedgehogs eat onions? Am I missing something here?

Gift-ability: 6/10

Give the gift of bad breath this holiday season – perfect for that special someone (you hate). To be fair, bringing this to a party would be a nice gesture, as long as you brought along some peppermint candy canes too.

Christmas Cocktail Baubles

Festiveness: 8/10

These are actually pretty Christmassy. They’re shaped like baubles, the right colours, and they come in a nice gift box. The only downside is that the flavours (Mango, Lime, and Cranberry) will only remind you of Christmas if you’re from Barbados.

Weirdness: 1/10

While a strange concept, they’re more fun than they are weird. The only truly odd thing about them is that they have no hooks or string, so they cannot be tied to a tree, and you can’t put them down as they have round bottoms. Tesco knows what’s up: down in one. Christmas is all about getting as fucked as quickly as possible, after all.

Gift-ability: 9/10

While I can’t comment on the actual taste of them, if any of your mates wouldn’t appreciate this gift you should rethink your friendship.

I’m dreaming of a Chewy Selection Box this Christmas

Festiveness: 10/10

Red and green, Christmas trees, a cute little dog in a hat, and baubles. Even though dogs have no concept of Christmas, this ticks all the boxes.

Weirdness: 0/10 (or 10/10)

Again, this depends on how you feel about giving dogs presents. If you’re the sort of person who loves little Rover more than your boyfriend, you’ll think a treat box shaped like the ones full of chocolates you give children isn’t weird at all. If you are said person’s boyfriend, it will be the most unsettling thing you will see under the tree this year.

Gift-ability: 0/10 or 10/10 (depends who you’re giving it to)

Who’s been a good boy? WHO’S BEEN A GOOD BOY!? IS IT YOU? Yes it is! Oh yes it is! Here you go boy! NB. This will not go over well with your gran.

Essential Waitrose Thick Bleach Mulled Spice

Festiveness: 0/10

There is nothing festive about the toilet, and making it smell like you’ve made the mulled wine in it isn’t going to change that.

Weirdness: 15/10

It smelled like someone had dissolved a Christmas pudding in some petrol. I was both hungry and nauseous at the same time. This is one of the strangest things I have ever seen, at Christmas or otherwise.

Gift-ability: -10/10

Giving someone bleach can be construed as threatening behaviour. Giving someone festive bleach is threatening behaviour with Santa as an accomplice.

Waitrose Christmas Extra Soft Toilet Tissue

I’m not even going to rate this. If when you think of Christmas, you think of taking a dump, you have a filthy mind that no amount of mulled spiced bleach can wipe clean.

So there you have it, some of the strangest, most tenuously-christmassy things you can buy from your local supermarket. While some of them are fun, It’s clear that the bathroom should remain a safe haven from festivities – just in case Santa gets confused and tries to come up the cistern instead of down the chimney.