Every type of person you meet as a SSHH bus driver

Everyone applies to Bar and Security for SU jobs, but SSHH Bus always seems to be the little known job on campus. We can be your saviour, your friend, and your counsellor at times. There’s only a small group of us, but we consider it to be the best job on campus. Even if we do clamber into bed at half five in the morning.

We start during the evening, and go to either sit at Kingswood or Meds until around 11 or 12. Then we go and park outside the SU, waiting for you all to come out dazed and disorientated.

Taking my job extremely seriously of course

We’ve experienced all kinds of people on the SSHH bus, but these are the most common types:

The tired one

You’ve left early because either you’ve lost your mates, you were hoping the music was more than just Barbie Girl and Turn Down for What, or you really shouldn’t have gone out in the first place and wanted to stay in and chill. You want your bed, and you want me to get you there asap.

The party one

You’ve had a good night. You’re willing to rap to Ignition on the dancefloor and then get down and Shake It Off on the bus when Taylor Swift blasts through the stereo. You don’t mind when you get dropped off home, as long as your bus ride is as fun as your night has been. Those VKs and double vodka red bulls are still kicking in.

The passed-out one

You’ve been kicked out off the SU by security because you’re too drunk. It’s not my place to ask what you’ve done, or how much you’ve thrown up already, but I’d really like to know. Hopefully you’ve got a mate with you, otherwise SU security will be escorting you to your door. I’m giving you a bin bag, because I’m not taking any chances.

The banter brigade

Inevitably there’s some funny guy who assumes he’s a comedic genius when he sees the bus, turns to his friends and goes “SSSSHHHHH!” really loudly, followed by lots of drunken giggling. Hilarious mate. Never heard that one before. More funny (perhaps worryingly) however is when I got offered some weed when I pulled up at Kingswood. Now I don’t do drugs, but what makes you think I would take some while working, AND while driving? Nutters.

The Kingswood lad

Kingswood lads. What can I say there? The football chants and rocking the bus, the moans you get when I tell some of you to get off cos there’s three people on one seat. And the rubbish I have to pick up once I’ve dropped you off. How many snuck-on beers can a Kingswood lad drink from there to Meds? More than you’d imagine.

The lonely drunk callers

Waiting for the gossip to be spilled

Sometimes however, the funniest (or most memorable at least) moments come when there’s just one lonely person on the bus on a dead SU night. Usually, when someone is on the phone to their boyfriend or girlfriend. These alcohol-fuelled emotional comments came from one girl on the phone to who we presume was her boyfriend:

“I know all your girl friends hate me because I’m beautiful.”

“You know when we were first sleeping together, I wasn’t attracted to you.”

“You know I wanted to break up with you the other night. But only because I love you.”

“Last night I was crying in bed next to you and you didn’t even know.”

“OK I’m going to hang up now, you’re being really weird.”

I wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of those! Sometimes these are better than the whole emotional breakdowns people have on the bus though. Usually I’m assuming this comes after being brutally dumped on the dance floor. We’ve witnessed girls stumble onto the bus, and announce they hate men, before bursting into tears because “I’m ugly!”

And of course, the pukers

We love those heroes who announce that either they feel sick and need a bin bag for the journey, or tell us to pull over first, before opening the door hurriedly and splattering the pavement with a very funny colour of vomit. We’re less impressed by the people who, out of the blue, cover the entire floor of the bus in the contents of their night out, because we then have to clean it up, and it leaves you with a £25 fine to deal with, on top of the nasty hangover the next day.

We’ve had people sleeping in the bus for a few hours, we’ve put people to bed, we’ve walked down streets with them until they recognise their house, we’ve ferried people from the SU to Gowar and Wedderburn because they can’t walk, and we’ve taken students from place to place because they can’t remember where they live. I took one guy from Kingswood to Butler, before he remembered he lived in Cobham. I don’t know where Cobham is, but I’m pretty sure its further than the three mile radius. Genius.