Signs your housemates are turning into your parents

If, like me, you’re irresponsible and find it difficult to look after yourself, you’ll be thankful your parents aren’t here to see the mess you’ve become. Before you aquire that rebellious, “I-don’t-need-anyone” attitude, it’s probably time to admit there have been plenty of occasions when you’ve needed looking after. Fortunately, your housemates always step up.

When you roll in at 4am, blind drunk and talking to yourself

Drunk you will always give them a hug anyway

You always think you’re being stealthy and quiet, almost ninja-like as you slam the door and burn your toast. A sober housemate will appear at the top of the stairs, wearing a dressing-gown and a glare, demanding you go to bed this instant and had better make it to your lectures tomorrow.

When you’re hungover the next day

The gap between SU and Domino’s is always the hardest time

Who brings a cup of tea to your bed and watches shit TV with you after you’ve thrown up all of yesterday’s meals? The procrastinating housemates, of course.

When you admit to not having eaten yet that day

All hell will break loose. You’re marched to the kitchen and supervised as you begrudgingly go to the oh-so-great effort of cooking. It actually tastes pretty good, and the ache in your stomach is replaced by a carb-fuelled gratefulness.

When your heart gets run over by a bus

A lads night cures everything

Just like at home these guys are instantly on your side, ready to kick butt at a moment’s notice. The uni version of parenting also involves vast amounts of alcohol. Lads are escorted to Monkey Mondays and receive many an awkward, yet kindly meant, hug. Girls are force-fed ice cream and allowed to watch Hugh Grant films for two days, before also being taken to Monkey’s.

When you have a complete essay crisis

Just like mum and dad none of them can help you make a 3D model of a protein, but words of encouragement and offers of chocolate are given to help you through this tough night.

When they try to stop you from doing stupid shit

When it’s 2am and you’re chilling in North Quad on Queen Victoria’s plinth, it seems strange to you that your housemates are trying to coax you down because it’s “dangerous”. But they’ve promised your real parents to return you in one piece.

When they do your washing up

There is no better feeling than coming downstairs and seeing your housemate has lovingly scrubbed out your bowl of two-day old pesto pasta along with their dishes. Bae would never do this shit.

When they chastise you for being unchaste

‘Climb every man-tain’

The only thing which can make your 6am walk of shame any worse is coming home and being lectured on the perils of going home with strangers. Whoever said uni was a place of loose morals has clearly never met your friends.

Pest control

Do not leave your window open when you go home for a week

For 18 years your beloved mother removed every spider, wasp and pigeon from the house. Now left to your own devices, you turn to your housemates to do the deed.

They’re always there to patch you up

At least one of them is guaranteed to have a plaster on hand for all your scrapes and bruises, probably because your mum armed everyone with them to combat your clumsiness at the start of term.